day 502: mood is doom.

voiceMissed writing yesterday, or should I say I allowed myself to miss writing, gave myself enough excuses to let the day go by. And today it’s not easy getting back to writing. It’s one thing to skip days due to practical issues, but another story to give into procrastination or laziness. Writing daily is like a detox process, get to look into me, see what the fuck is going on. I mean this is about self-intimacy, into-me-i-see.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing excuses to direct me, instead of me directing myself to do what is required on a daily basis. I mean pretty simple thing, got 24 hours in a day the last time I checked, so spending 30 minutes shouldn’t be that hard, it’s simply matter of discipline. I think I am pretty committed to this writing process, but I do allow days of slips caused by the mind, not practical slips. So that’s something to keep a note of, not allowing the mind to fuck around again, obviously only if I allow it.

I am looking forward to listening to this new eqafe interview by the polar bear, the interview description seems very interesting (note your small energy participation through the day, or something like that). That’s something I can relate to, because throughout the day, I do participate in small energy highs/lows here and there, almost unnoticeable. Allowing myself to slide, or go on a high, like swing, up and down, indicating that I have not been breathing effectively throughout the day. Today was one of those days, where I saw myself more often ‘down’ than up, allowing myself that energy ride downhill, as if some constant slight sadness is accompanying me. It is when I must snap out of it, breathe and ground myself within the physical, not allowing myself to slouch like a couch potato within my body.

Sit up straight, stand up straight, breathe, drink water, and be in the body. Just slouching mentally can easily lead to emotional swing going down south, not cool at all. I mean no need for energy swings. Not that I am saying be on the high all the time, there is simply no need to swing up and down like a fucking seesaw. Just be here, breathe, stable, grounded in self, in flesh, in every breath, not some breaths, but every breath. Yes that’s something to note as well, because sometimes I do deliberately allow myself to slouch within myself, that’s when I hit the energy swing. Allowing myself to feel pity, sad, regret, giving-up all that shit, simply no need to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into that slouch mood within myself, where I deliberately allow myself to swing up and down, mostly down. When and as I see myself going into that mental slouch like state, I direct myself to STOP it, walk, get out of my chair, and BREATHE, do some hara-breathing, right upto the stomach area, and get the fuck out of that slouch mood, because I see/realize and understand, once I allow even a bit of slouching, it can easily take me on a ride, perhaps a whole day can go on the swing, and it is compounding too. I breathe, I am here, and I direct myself to massage my palms, something physical to get out the mental slouch mood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself perfection within a day, where I do everything to the best, I breathe well, I sit well and right, I focus well, I walk well, I eat well, I communicate well, I basically attend to everything with my best self, not in that slouch mind attitude. But this is possible only breath by breath, every breath I must check/catch myself from slouching.

Drinking a lot of water throughout the day helps, water is life after all, and lack of water can aid in slouching perhaps. I sit in front of the computer for long, so mind can easily go here and there, mostly there.

So some ranting tonight, but that’s ok, writing anything is better than postponing or skipping. I commit myself to perfection. I forgive myself for fearing perfection. I forgive myself for believing that I don’t deserve perfection. I forgive myself for believing that perfection wont’ come to me, not seeing/realizing I must direct myself to be PERFECT breath by breath. I am here, which is the greatest perfection, but am I really here? Or lost in mind’s energy swings. I commit to walk this process, I commit myself to realize that this process is walked breath by breath, what I allow in each breath determines my process. This process is not a 9-5 job, even how I sit on the couch determines my process, am I allowing energy slouching in my mind while I physically slouch in the couch? Because it matters, every bit, every breath determines my process. Therefore perfection matters. I mean, a perfect breath, a perfect moment, a perfect minute, a perfect hour, a perfect day, a perfect year, like that a perfect life-time. Can’t say I was fine yesterday and now I am all down, that’s not acceptable. I must be same today, tomorrow and yesterday, and for that I must be same in every breath, not allowing energy swings to take over me.

Another point for myself to note is private ranting/writing daily, which I have neglected, have to sit every day and just write/rite myself to freedom within a private domain. Just pure ranting. Get the accumulating shit out into the paper. I mean, it helps a lot. Basically that’s what I did today for my public blog, I just went on and on ranting about how my day was, which is cool.

I commit myself to write/rant privately also every day, this will give me some space to take on personal shit. So I can actually see all the shit that’s going on in my life. Because in my public blog, I do exercise a bit of restrain about what to write/not-write etc, so that’s why daily private writing helps.

So that’s all the ranting for tonight. And remember breath by breath, because what I allow in every breath accumulates to life-time of success/perfection or DOOM (mood). So snap out. Get out of that mood before it brings DOOM.

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