Today it feels like I am staring at the computer screen not knowing what to write. So the feeling to postpone and just give up is strong. Some call it writer’s block, I tell you it’s no block, it’s just mind’s craving to NOT get physical with writing. You see, writing is a physical activity, it requires some digging which the mind don’t like that much (as I am allowing it too).
Then the backchats: “what will others think if they knew that I have nothing to write about”, “what will others say about my process”, “will they think I have fallen”, “will they think I am giving up”, “what will they think about the contents of my writing”, “will they say oh another boring blog by Anton”, “or another rush job, writing for the sake of writing without sharing anything of substance”.
Obviously, the more I listen to those backchats the louder they become. So the first thing to establish within myself is that this writing process is not for OTHERS. I write myself to freedom here. I mean, if I am writing for others, the whole starting point is fucked up, as it is then a show off. I am trying to impress the readers. Not cool. I write for myself, I write to get this shit out of myself. I write myself to freedom here. So it’s entirely up to me, what to write, when to write, how to write, I mean, it’s all up to me, this is my process, either I make it or I fall, either I become life or I be the EGO that I am, it’s up to me. I waste my one life to live, or I make use of this life to birth myself as life, do what is best for all, it’s all up to me.
There is no hiding in this, I cannot hide my self-dishonestly, I mean I have to face it, forgive it, correct it. No point is playing games.
So today basically another day of energy swings, I noticed I was suffering from some problem in my stomach, perhaps some indigestion, all day I had this unease in my stomach, not cool, that kind of put my mind of an all-day swing. Still, I accepted and allowed it. Made socializing and communication bit tough. I noticed I was blaming a bit later in the day, yep blaming, the good old pattern of mine. So when I see blaming I realize that energy swing of the mind is in full effect. It’s unwilling to take responsibility, that’s why blame exists. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a weak stomach and therefore whenever I have stomach issues then its normal to have mind swings, not seeing/realizing this is an excuse for me to BLAME others. It is very likely my mind is reflected in the stomach, an upset stomach equals upset mind. The root lies in what I accept and allow. Am I addicted to blaming? Is that why I am still finding room to blame? I mean why was I blaming today, was I trying to keep up the agitation going with blame? Can I not exist without agitation? Do I have to whine and mourn about something? Can I pause for a moment and just breathe, just be satisfied with breathing? I see that I am very prone to bitch and mourn about “lack”, there is always something missing it seems. Always something to mourn about, whine about.
Anyways, sooner or later I will have to realize “well I am responsible for myself, enough is enough with blaming”. I mean only so much you can blame others. How long will they listen to me blaming them? It must be tiring for them too. And then there was jealousy, fear of loss, desire, really bad cocktail, so instead of dealing with them, I resorted to some form of blame. “Hey you make feel like this, because of you, I am like this, because of you, my life is like this today, all because of you”. WTF. But all in all, it was my jealousy, fear of loss, and desire, were speaking.
I mean its one thing to discuss practical alignment issues, for successful living, but another thing to discuss shit to bring out more shit and give the mind a good emotional/energy churn.
As long as there is energy churn within me, the mind is in control, consciousness is in control, I am just a slave to it. So lots of breathing, and self-awareness, realizing that the real MASTER, the MIND, is super busy looking to churn things within me, to suck physical energy out of my physical body, so it can exist till my death. So, time to PAUSE the shit and live in the MOMENT, because today I didn’t live in the MOMENT, in breath, I went on and on about the past and created an emotional drama. And furthermore defining my life entirely through another sucks big time. As if I have no self-existence at all, my existence is tied to/through another. Not cool. I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing I am self-existence, I exist, I do not need to define my existence through another, but co-existence, sharing, having fun, team-work is cool, but I stand HERE, al-ONE, all ONE.
Mind is a mess like it’s on meth, but unravel the meth of the mind by breath. I breathe. I am here.
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