day 505: cold/flu

waterCold/flu indicates that I have been torturing my body with some thinking, so the body finally said “enough”. I can see the timeline of this so clearly. I mean this is all deliberate, I knew as I was thinking shit and the body could suffer. Not ‘feeling’ great with this cold/flu bullshit, but it is what it is, no point in beating myself up with it. Time to rest and self-care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beat myself up because I have a cold/flu, not seeing/realizing the best thing to do is just rest, relax, and learn from the mistakes of self-harming through thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm myself with thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lots of animosity at this time, believing somebody should be here to care of me. In that I forgive myself for self-victimizing me. ‘I feel like a victim’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize participating in self-victimizing thoughts got me into this flu/cold condition in the first place. I forgive myself for having the backchat “oh I lost all that, oh look what I got now, oh this is not fair, oh I really got defeated in this”. In that I see/realize how I was thinking like a little victim, a helpless victim and others are doing that to me. Not seeing/realizing I am the one who is thinking like that. My own lack of self-direction is what brought me here, not anyone’s nasty scheme as I believe it to be. In this I forgive myself for blaming others and holding onto animosity. “They did wrong to me”, and I must take revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am responsible for myself, for my life, for my future, for my health, for all aspect of my life, I am responsible for. Allowing blame or animosity sucks.

Looking at the word ‘Animosity’, I see hostility, friction, enmity, bitterness, and so forth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sense of bitterness and friction that my life is as it is now, believing that I ‘lost’ something, ‘miss the boat’ because of others. In this I see/realize I am allowing bitterness, friction, and hostility to take root.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize conflict, complaining is also something I participated to bring this cold/flu about. Complaining, mourning, whining, things like that are rooted in conflict, wanting to enter conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am willing to enter conflicts, first starting with complaining, not seeing/realizing the insanity of this mindset. I mean why would I want to deliberate look for conflicts? Because the mind exist and thrives on conflicts, and I am allowing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realize conflicts perpetuate separation. So more conflicts the better it is for the mind, it lives, lives on, separation continues, how wonderful.

When and as I see myself starting to complain about things, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize it is a gateway to conflict, and I commit myself to stop all conflicts within my life and instead seek solutions, resolutions where conflicts exist.

When and as I see myself feeling self-victimize and using the mindset of self-victimization to inflict conflicts with others, I stop, I breathe, because I see/realize self-victimize is a starting point to enter conflicts, and conflict is starting point for separation. I mean, I choose, life or mind, life or ego. Simple. As the revenge of the ego is ever-ready to inflict conflicts and perpetuate animosity and separation. I mean, choice is clear.

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