day 510: always fishing for positive energy.

Addicted to FEELINGS.Positive energy, yes that’s the point I want to look at tonight. I mean, again and again I catch myself falling for positive energy experiences. Nice smiles, sweet comments, or warm greetings, I mean they look pretty innocent to enjoy and be happy about, but the moment such ‘positive’ things are not there, you can see the negative experience. When that warm smile or greeting is not there, I feel a sense of disappointment, which clearly indicates that it is positive energy/high that I was looking for to begin with. Specially when people greet you warmly, which is a pretty cool experience, but have to watch out for positive high/energy that goes with it. I mean that’s the mind-trap, falling for the high. The best way to test if something casual is positive or not is to withdraw yourself from it for couple days or see how you feel when that person doesn’t greet you warmly anymore. Sometimes when I go for coffee, when the person behind the counter is nice and friendly/warm etc, I not only get my coffee, but also some positive energy/highs to go with it. And the times when I don’t get a positive greeting from the person behind the counter, I can see a reaction of disappointment within me. So these are very subtle energy rivers that run through the day. Small things to feed the mind with positive energy. I am not saying be all nasty and mean to the person behind counter as he/she gives your coffee, that’s not the point, the point is simply remain stable within yourself, breathe, remain here as physical and deal with the person without looking for any energy experiences. “Not looking” is important, because as I approach the counter I can see it in me that I am building up some anticipation/want of positive energy.

It seems my whole day is filled with looking for positive experiences. I mean always want some ‘acknowledgment’ giving me positive highs. Now being rude/mean to people in the hope of reversing the positive energy is not the answer, as I said earlier, just become aware of ‘seeking the high’ and accordingly STOP it. Be still, direct, and yes still friendly, but not looking for highs, not looking for that FEELING GOOD feeling, that’s the old addiction.

I commit myself to be aware within me, how and when I seek positive energy experiences within my day to day interactions with people; when and as I see myself setting up some positive energy experience, I stop, I breathe. I realize I have been the kind of person who is always looking for some high from every interaction, so this is going to be an interesting challenge for me. I support myself with breathing and being observant of my mind. I mean I have to ‘catch’ myself looking for that positive energy feeling-good/mental-masturbation and STOP myself from it.

Time to be REAL, no more energy fishing.

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