Day 520: My Reasons for Living

the purpose of lifeFor context please listen to this Eqafe interview: Your Reason for Living – Quantum Mind Self Awareness

Pretty daunting to say the least. I was listening to that interview today on the subject of ‘my reasons for living’, very eye-opening at the same time. Hence I decided to write something on that. Obviously easy to say my reasons for living is Equality and Oneness and birthing What is Best for All, well that would be a load of crap. Because put it simply, What is Best for All doesn’t occupy my mind nor reflects in my day to day physical living reality, simple as that. I may be walking a process to get there, but hardly its manifesting in my current living. Then why on earth, do I live for? What are my reasons for living?

Not just looking at my situation nowadays, but generally speaking over the years, it is clear, one of my reasons for living has been conflict creation. A lot of the time I am caught up with some conflict with somebody, be it a family member, parent, sibling, co-worker, relationship partner, some sort of blame I accept and allow within myself about them. Blame, yes, I have been living to blame someone or something, I mean its like my whole reason for living is to blame somebody. I say so because much of my mental occupation is about blame.

Whereas on my physical reality my main reasons for living looks like procrastination, or just living in fear or isolating myself etc. I mean I not the kind of guy who is outgoing and establishing social contacts, having a ball over the weekend with many friends over, etc, or looking for the best shopping deals in town or going fishing or, hangout with friends at the pub etc.

I seem to have spent a lot time avoiding life, sort of fearing, hiding, doing the bare minimum to get by in life. Luckily though I have been successful in my career, job-wise, never had any issues, yet I cannot say my reasons for living is to have a great job. I see job as merely a source of money and a place for creative expression, it’s not that I am living to express my creativity, as I am out of office I hardly think of software, meaning thinking of software development is only a job, not a reason for living.

Living to fear, living to procrastinate, living to blame, living to engulf myself in conflict with others (goes with blame), obviously getting sex and attention goes on the top of the list as well. As it stand, my reasons for living are pretty pre-programmed, I mean none of it I actually created for myself, even my job seems to have landed on my lap, just out of the need for money I studied computer science and landed myself with good jobs ever since, its not something I precisely calculated and directed myself along with my life objectives.

Just ‘going with the flow’ is the keyword to explain my reasons for living, as such, I don’t have any self-directed, self-created, self-willed, self-scripted reasons for my living. “just go with the flow, just take it easy,” is another mantra I chant often, ‘taking it easy’. Not living like an arrow in motion with self-driven purpose, meaning or ambition, more like a leaf floating in the air, just floating around looking for attention/sex, filling up the stomach, and in those days filling myself up with love-light, spiritual highs etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I have not scripted reasons for my living that is best for me and best for all, instead I see/realize I have been living like a leaf in the air lacking in any real purpose or direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that its OK to just float around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not even look to create a profitable life myself, just living with bare minimums further solidifying my reason to live as ‘floating like a leaf’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a lot, allow lots of blame in my living reality, spend a lot of time blaming others to the point where it once appeared as my sole reason for living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflicts with others to the point where it seems my sole reasons to exist is blaming and creating conflicts with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pretty depress when I look at my years passed by, where I spend most of my days in just floating around (or at the office). It seems I either work, or just float around, kind of hiding, avoiding, not participating, not creating contacts, relationships, not expanding etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize self-expansion is required, in that way, I can direct myself to bring more reasons to live than just float around.

Thanks to desteni process, now I see that blame has slow down, conflict creation is somewhat slow down, but still I am living like a leaf floating around, not like an arrow in motion with purpose, dedication, direction that is best for me and best for all.

So what is the correction on this? Self-expansion, no blame, no conflict creation, no participation in such in the mind, not allowing myself to just ‘float around’, not allowing myself to procrastinate on things, take my time seriously, give my time value, ask myself how am I doing things that are best for all? Where do I waste time? Where do I indulge in entertainment and wasting away my life?

I mean seriously why the fuck do I live for? I see I have 2 bridges to cross on this point, first, live an awesome self-directed life that is best for me, and secondly, live my life such that it has a purpose, reason align with What is Best for All. Certainly floating around is not best for me, it’s a waste actually. Its like I float around till I get attention (from this special person) or till I get back to work. I mean where do I dedicate myself to what is best for all in practical actions? I need to allow myself to dedicate myself to what is best for all, this is done so in alignment with all areas of my life, like a symphony, well done in all areas producing an overall output that’s like an arrow-in-motion aimed at birthing what is best for all. A floating around leaf is my pre-programmed life, unchecked, careless, procrastinating, non-directive, non-profitable, aimless, fearful, angry, just go with the flow, etc, this is unacceptable. In private writings, I will expand more on this.

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