day 521: progressing in process?

writeSelf-writing is about self-intimacy, into-me-I-see. All day we get caught up in things outside of ourselves, rarely anytime to see what’s going on within. Hence self-writing is a process of self-intimacy, and increasing in self-awareness.

Today a question came, “do you have to wait till 7 years to see the benefit of self-writing?”, well, certainly not, as you walk day by day, breath by breath, you increase in self-awareness, expand in self-awareness and obviously get to see-into-yourself better. This is not a religion where you reap the fruit of your labor only after death in some imaginary heaven. Here, the benefits are instant, you get to see/realize and understand them HERE, in this breath.

At the same time, approaching the self-writing process from the perspective of benefits is not suggested, I mean this is not a capitalistic or a religious process, this is about self-honesty, becoming self-honest. Nobody can give you self-honesty, even GOD cannot give it to you. Only you can give self-honesty to you through writing, through expanding in self-awareness etc, through walking this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be religious in nature, always looking for some ‘reward’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-write with a reward in mind just like waiting for religious promises.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize expanding my self-awareness is a moment by moment, breath by breath process, nobody can give that to me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to measure my progress in my process, in that desire for a reward. Not seeing/realizing the best measure of progress is when nothing moves in my mind, at which time I will not be asking to measure my progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am not making progress in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am stuck in my process not making dramatic and amazing improvements. In this I see/realize I am looking for a ‘moment of enlightenment’ just like back in the spiritual days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a positive feeling about my process, in that I see/realize I want to ‘feel like’ I am making great progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize this is about me living HERE, not getting lost in some future or winning some rewards in future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to show off myself as ‘made it’ in process, meaning some sort of a ‘senior pastor’ in the process now ‘who knows it all’, and with whom even GOD speaks directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am still a religious/spiritual person in my basic nature. Still got that ‘get a reward’ mentality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to impress people who are also walking this process currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize there is nothing to show-off in this process, I am only expanding my self-awareness and self-intimacy. I get to see-into-me more, directly, clearly. What is there to show-off?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire rewards and recognition in the process.

Am I here? That’s the question. Am I breathing. Am I able to focus without my mind running into 100 places? Am I reactive? Am I possessed by thoughts/emotions and feelings? Well, there is nothing to show off. Yet moment by moment I can LIVE my process, so yes in a sense I can show off my progress by LIVING it in real-time, that’s real meaningful show off. LIVE the progress. Stop the reactions, stop looking for rewards, stop thoughts/emotions and feelings, stop procrastination, be here, breathe, direct, live etc. So looking for progress is useless, instead walk the commitments, get real, get serious about the process, and in 7+ years you can look back, until then talking about progress is useless. Isn’t living here every breath a progress?   

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