day 523: shame to admit my emotional charges. EGO

writeBlame still exist, especially when emotional charges are high, I forgive myself for believing that I shouldn’t have emotional charges by now. This is kind of insane, it took decades to set up my emotional/mind/systems as it is now, so it will take years if not decades to re-install a new system that is best for all, so becoming all mad and upset about getting upset is useless. Instead I direct myself to see/observe my emotional charges and self-forgive them.

I forgive myself for feeling embarrassed to admit that I still have emotional charges, as if I am expected to be all clear of emotional charges, and who has placed this expectation on my head? ME. I forgive myself for believing and placing an expectation within myself that I should be ALL CLEAR of emotional charges by now, and to get emotionally upset when I see that it is not my case, is stupid. Upset for being Upset? Sounds insane to me. This is my process of 7+ years to investigate my mind, what I accept and allow, this is not a show for anyone else, this is my own show of my mind-deconstruction. Therefore I see/realize judging me for having emotional charges is useless. And the truth of the matter is nobody is going to judge me, or laugh at me, NOPE, I am my own judge. Anyways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can blame others for what is happening within me at a mental/emotional level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea: “because of you, I am feeling this way”. Not seeing/realizing nobody can make me feel anything unless I allow it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when I don’t get their attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when they become occupied on their cell phones while we are together at a restaurant or at a coffee shop. Within this I forgive myself for feeling angry when others are on their phones instead of ‘being with me’, as in focusing their attention on ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when other is using their phone while seated with me, within this I see/realize how I want their attention 100% on ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ignored when people are on the phone while with ME. It’s like they don’t’ care to participate with ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to want all their attention on ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel others are on the phone deliberately to ignore me etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry when I don’t’ get their attention.

When and as I see myself possessed by any emotional charge, positive or negative, I direct myself to write about it, in this way to overcome the idea that I should be all clear by now. I mean this is insane, as it is very obvious I am not at all free of emotional charges, therefore trying to pretend otherwise is useless. So no matter how small or insignificant or insane the emotional charge is, I see/realize I must still write about it.

When and as I see myself reacting to others when they are on the phone, and I am going into the feeling of being ignored, I STOP, I breathe. I see the common sense, it must be they have something to check/talk/communicate with another, I mean I cannot take this personally. Besides how can I force someone to engage with me in a conversation if they so believe that they must be on the phone for whatever reason for a moment.  I see/realize this is all attention craving tactics. 

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