day 525: Deceit is self-abuse

Addicted to FEELINGS.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that this Journey to Life is a very serious responsibility I have taken upon myself, within this I see/realize it requires a commitment on my part to LIVE the changes, not just forgive myself. Because I see/realize I am still allowing so-called “falls” and furthermore justify them by saying “oh well, this is a process, falls are expected every now and then”, in that I see how I am bullshitting myself.

“Fall”s have ripple effects, not just secret memories in my mind, as they will resonantly touch many areas of my life, my physical, and my very being-ness etc. Meaning, accepting and allowing so-called falls is BAD, self-irresponsible, and ultimately self-abusive. I mean why do I knowing still participate in things that I know wouldn’t serve me? Bit like porn addiction, why do it again and again. Forgiving myself and still keep doing the same bullshit again and again doesn’t make sense, in fact, I am only abusing self-forgiveness in that cyclic accepted and allowed behavior.

When and as I see myself justifying “Falls as: OK”, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to see how I am creating a backdoor for the mind-pattern to reappear, in this I see/realize back-doors will keep the pattern alive and kicking until I firmly commit myself to STOP this abusive behaviors for once and for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize self-abuse is very heavy, multidimensional, consequential, and furthermore can jeopardize my process by creating unnecessary time-loops and consequences. I will have to going to stop, so why NOT stop now? Patterns of abuse cannot continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize responsibility must be visible in every breath, within this “falls” are mere justifications of abuse.

Obviously one cannot walk without falling (at first), like how we were first learning to walk, “falling” within the process is somewhat like that, but USING it as a deliberate excuse to allow a “fall” for the pleasures of the mind is unacceptable. I mean, there is a difference between ‘falling’ while trying to walk vs, ‘falling’ because it’s a convenient excuse for mind-indulgence. In this I see/realize most of my so-called ‘falls’ have been deliberate excuses for indulgence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize in every breath, I must be aware of what is that I am participating in, and why I am allowing such? I see that responsibility must be visible in every breath, implying have to be self-honest in every breath.

I forgive myself. I forgive myself for not realizing that excuses, falls are not acceptable especially when they are justified for indulgence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize in every breath, in every moment, I must be responsible for LIFE, for my life, for all life. I mean, abuse is never acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘beat up’ myself about this, instead I direct myself to breathe and walk with diligence, and commitment so that I can catch myself, and STOP myself from participating in the mind and its indulgences. At the end, I can always deceive myself, trick myself, manipulate myself, I mean, what’s the whole point, I will have to stop all that bullshit anyways, sooner or later. A sense of “absoluteness” is required, a sense of “trustworthiness”, not wishy-washy, but firm, absolute in my commitment to be responsible for LIFE, I do so by living a responsible life, walking my process, living my life, so that responsibility for life will shine through. I mean, I can always bullshit some people, but how long can I bullshit myself? I forgive myself and I walk this process, in every breath, becoming responsible. This is my Journey to Life, granted ‘falls’ will happen in this long road, but it should never be justifications for indulgence. Its true, deceit is self-abusive, I mean only so much of my bullshit-lies my body take on, before one day the body will say “enough is enough”. I will have to stop before that. 

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