day 528: some thoughts.


Feeling a little rattled today. That purpose thing is kicking again. Feels like I am running around like a headless chicken. Missing stability. I forgive myself for believing that stability will arrive on its own to my life, not seeing/realizing I will have to CREATE stability. I will have to take steps to establish stability for myself.

I forgive myself for feeling like I am walking on thin ice. Again, this is something I have to expand/see/realize I can’t just shoot in the dark hoping for stability. I am responsible for my life. I forgive myself for feeling pressured by others, not seeing/realizing I am responsible for my life, I am the author of my life, I can’t give the excuse that others are pushing me into doing things. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react strongly when others suggest to me to do this or that, and take it as ‘pushing me’. Don’ push me. Yet I don’t’ move, act, get things done, so at times their push is OK. I forgive myself for feeling rattled, and dazed by all things, not seeing/realizing I am not directing, I am just let things flow, the typical ‘go with the flow’ gypsy mindset. Breathing. Slow down. Write things down. Gosh, sex is not the god of this universe. I forgive myself for making sex a such a big deal. I forgive myself for feeling lack and trying to fill it up with sex, or with desires for sex. Need to expand that point more on private writings, which I promised to myself to write at least 1000 words of daily private writings, but haven’t kept up to it.

Writing is very important now I see why. Get to see my shit on paper/screen. Gives a moment to unrattle myself through writing, I mean, all day its being running around, need a moment of/to self. Time for me. Time to me, not tie me, but time to me. I mean, I have been running around sort of hiding from myself. So much fear, why don’t I write out all my fears and face them head on. I mean what’s the point of living in so much fears. I forgive myself for not addressing my fears, I forgive myself for not writing in great details about my fears and fixing them. I forgive myself for feeling unsettled, and rattled up. I see/realize stability is NOT going to fall from the sky, I have to create stability for myself, I have to give it to me. Cant’ go on with ‘go with the flow’ attitude. breathe be here.  

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