day 530: some reflections

voiceThis process is multi-dimensional, meaning there is so much going on, to be aware of. Breathing, thoughts, fears, worries, physical movements, decisions, all of that could happen in a quantum moment, in a split second. In that a momentum is created for the future, either repeating the same cycles or creating something new. Slowing down is the key, be here, breathe, observe, become self-aware, ending that robotic existence. I could say I am making progress in my process by saying that I see a lot of shit in my life, meaning I see a lot of problems to be sorted out. And that’s progress, to be able to see one’s shit.

Anyways, the triple 7 gone for nearly 2 weeks now, what’s up with that. No signs whatsoever, not even a teddy bear floating around to give a clue where the hell this plane is. I have turned myself into a news junkie ever since this plane vanished, reading all sorts of news analysis like reading mystery novels. One of the most reliable of systems in the world is now showing its weakness. Perhaps this is why there is global attention on this vanished plane, because we all have that fear of flying or dying in a plane crash. I am never at ease flying, any little turbulence drives me nuts. Anyways, for the 239 families it’s a real nightmare having to wait endlessly without knowing what the fuck is going on.

Well the world system is crumbling, showing its cracks, perhaps way too much stress on the system. Everything runs on profit, so real absolute responsibility cannot be assured. Ultimate motivator is money. Was cutbacks a cause for poor maintenance of the aircraft? Fewer people doing more work now due to layoffs/cutbacks and whatnot? Was pilot fatigued considered? I mean human tiredness/fatigue are direct results of workplace stress, again money the hidden root cause of it all. 24 hour news universe is having a field day since this disappearance, no wonder, real-time reality TV, giving endless food for the bored minds, myself included, want to hear every bit of news about this plane. Its one thing to get an update on the current affairs, but another story to be an addict like a news junkie. I am generally not a news junkie, it just the triple 7 mystery has kept me glued, at least reading a lot about it.

May be I am avoiding myself, sort of giving nice excuses, to look in the sky for the missing plane, easier than looking what’s boiling inside me, what’s happening in my life, things that I need to sort out can take a backseat, obviously the plane news is far more exciting than the shit in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am avoiding self-responsibility for myself. I am just using the hot news, music, entertainment, shit like that to keep me off course from things I must do to expand myself, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I need to expand my life, need to take responsibility to expand my life, entertainment/news is a good excuse to avoid looking into me, my life, my direction, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize there are issues awaiting my attention/participation, I cannot ignore them or avoid them, unless I want to avoid my own life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I need to take on more responsibilities for areas of my life which are sitting idle now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live my fullest life potential, instead I chose the minimum. Why am I living a less than full-life, why I am so comfortable with minimum. I forgive myself for believing that I need more, must have more, more, more, more, not seeing/realizing there is nothing wrong with simplicity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask the question “what is that I want out of my life”, “what is that I want to do with my life”. Well obviously, having job/money is numero uno. No money no life, simple. May be a family life is cool, but at the moment, that’s on hold. I mean not that having a family is a solution to all of my problems. I guess the root concern is I need to expand, take more responsibility, get involved, taking more responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my life direction according what RR does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘go with the flow’, instead of directing my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I have to create stability, I have to build up stability, I have to give direction, I have to expand, I have to take on more responsibilities. I suppose this taking on more responsibility starts with self, taking the responsibility to breathe/be here.

Take responsibility to breathe, every breath, here, then attend to what must be done in the physical reality. No need to move mountains to feel like I am living a responsible life. Certainly without breathing here, I cannot effectively participate in changing my life or changing this world. Lots of ideas, opinions, limitations in my mind, I realize I cannot take on everything at once, but step by step, one by one. So the one thing I like to commit myself from this blog tonight is breathe, take responsibility to STOP the mind, it’s not about living a Mr. superman 24×7 busy lifestyle, it’s about living a life that is best for me and best for all. I have to take on points very specifically and write them out, give myself corrections. Even in my blogs I can see that ‘floating around’ mentality, lack of direction, purpose if you will.

Anyways, I breathe, I direct myself to breathe every breath to the fullest. I see/realize and understand even to be lost in the mind for one breath is a profound lost, because I am then NOT LIVING, as I am gone into the head. There is only one place I have any sort of ‘control’ and that’s my mind, I can STOP its machinery. I can stop its fears, worries, and I do have control over breathing. I can breathe fully here. Living in the mind is like living in a lack-house, always something is lacking.

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