day 531: backchat, fear

fearA long day, filled with activities, bit out of the ordinary. Feeling a bit tired, feels like not writing tonight and just hitting the bed. I see I missed yesterday also, as I was busy preparing for today’s trip. Helps to live here. I noticed how bringing up the past can screw up the present. Obviously effective communication helps to not get caught up in the mind emotions and feelings. Communication can help to see things directly instead of beating around the bush. Obviously the selfish back-chatting mind(s) is always there, ever-ready to ignite a conflict. Backchat can easily mess up relationships. I mean what is a backchat, some nag/blame within the mind about another, and how to resolve a back-chat is through communication/writing etc. I mean things can easily pile up in the mind to the point of a mountain, it might be near impossible at that time to stand clear with another.

I forgive myself for allowing backchat within myself, not seeing/realizing backchats can turn into a mountain, from which, I could never return, destroying all and everything in personal relationships.

I forgive myself for trusting my backchat. I forgive myself for believing everything my mind says. I forgive myself for trusting every thought my mind says, not seeing/realizing that thoughts are placed within me very specifically by my mind for its own purpose.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing the thoughts in my mind are untrustworthy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize anger is the primary emotion within my backchats, hence, I am always thinking some angry shit about others.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing my backchat creates energy for the mind at the cost of my body. I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing I am responsible for STOPPING my backchats, ending the energy game.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing all ENERGY has fear as a base, meaning the mother of all energy is FEAR. High energy, low energy, positive energy, negative energy all has FEAR as a base. So what do you know, when that happy/high/positive feeling takes over, you know, a subtle form of fear is in operation.

I forgive myself for not see/realizing backchat is rooted in fear. I forgive myself for not seeing/realize anger is rooted in fear.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing the foundation of my life is FEAR. It seems I am ALWAYS in FEAR of something, however very subtle ways this shows up.

I forgive myself for blaming others because they apparently either activate my FEARs or didn’t’ active enough positive FEELINGS within me so that my fears can be suppressed for a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the foundation of my entire life is based on FEAR. I mean, how fucked up is this shit. Fear of loss, fear of loneliness, fear of being a lonely wolf, fear of not having friends, fear of not having money, fear of isolation, fear of not getting sex, fear of not being Mr superman in bed, fear of losing my job, fear of being less than others to at work, fear of other males, fear of me becoming jealous and then saying/doing something nasty, I mean its endless. I mean, should I give up “this world” like how Jesus said, meaning, live in this world, but not of this world, sort of saying take full part in it, but don’t be attached to anything/anyone, which is cool, otherwise, the whole lifetime is spend in protecting/defending stuff, and the root of all that is FEAR.

Obviously there are practical things to taken care of, practical fears if you will, like not exposing my passwords or bank-codes, those I call practical fears/precautions, whereas the normal mental fears are totally insane, no end to it. So more self-awareness, more breathing, more looking into me, stopping the shit of fear in REAL-TIME. I mean at the moment of death, all fears will vanish, as there will be no more mind to fear things. But I will be still here. So why not give up the fears now.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing all my fears will end one day with my death, so why not give up my fears here now. I forgive myself for jeopardizing my life potential because I live in and as with my fears.

So when and as I see myself back-chatting some shit about others, I remind myself that the foundation of my life is FEAR, that all and everything I do is based on fear of some sort, in reminding myself that, I direct myself to STOP, and breathe. Pause, and ask the question why do I want to continue this FEAR till my grave? I mean what is living my life means with all this fear directing me? WTF. I direct myself to realize that all my fears based on thinking/thoughts and energy, so one quick way to hold the fears is by pausing the THOUGHTS. In this blaming others, or having backchats about others is useless, as they only show how much fear I have allowed and accepted within me.

So the solution is me, to live in this world and not of it. That’s only possible if I stop my fears by stopping my thoughts. I mean otherwise I am a robot totally controlled by fears of my mind. WTF. 

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