day 533: watch out for small energy/mind dramas, as they pile up.

Addicted to FEELINGS.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear perfection in my day. Meaning, I still allow moments of energy taking over, but the question is why I can’t I stop every such moment, and live here as breath/physical without any energy taking-over? Do I fear perfection? Do I fear not having any energy take-overs? Do I fear living without any energy possessions?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown where I am able to live without any energy/mind possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being TOTAL aware of each moment here, within that not allowing energy/mind possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize every-time I give into mind/energy possession I am allowing abuse of my body. This is something I do deliberately, I mean I can STOP my mind, I can breathe, I can direct myself to NOT participate in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize stopping the energy/mind is a moment by moment decision, I direct, I chose, I decide in every breath NOT to participate in the mind/energy, however tempting it is.

What I find sometimes is that I take it easy, not make any effort to stop my mind, sort of fall sleep in my self-awareness and go with the flow of my mind/energy. This is not required anymore, I commit myself to STOP every mind/energy participation, because I can stop it, I can say NO MORE. There is no need for ‘casual mind/energy’ participation, which I have allowed and accepted as OK.

I forgive myself for believing that its only normal, and only human, to participate in MIND/ENERGY games, not seeing/realizing, it’s the way to abuse the body. It’s an addiction that I no longer need. So in every breath, in every moment, can I STOP participating in MIND/ENERGY? I have the potential, I mean, I can do it. Then what’s holding me back? What’s keeping that backdoor open? Why can’t I commit myself to forevermore stop mind/energy participation? Why do I still hesitate? It’s the joy/thrill of energy addiction which I am finding hard to give up, that’s why the hesitation. I suppose just in case, if I want to dwell in mind/energy drama, its good to have that backdoor still open. I see the nonsense in this. I mean, why can’t I forevermore stop participating in the energy/mind thrills? I mean, it’s very clear to me that ENERGY is the boss, it’s the GOD, I mean everything we do is energy based. FEELS GOOD, FEELS bad, FEELS ANGER, FEELS Aroused, FEELS pride, FEELINGS of love, FEELINGS of nationalism, FEELINGS of victory, FEELINGS of security, FEELINGS of belonging, FEELINGS of family, FEELINGS of togetherness, FEELINGS of not being alone, I mean so much stuff all FEELING based, energy based. But I am here, I am breathing, my body is here, meaning, no matter where I am here, always here, its my mind that’s running. At death, I will be here too, no more mind though. All that DRAMA will end at death. So why not stop it now? EVERYTHING is drama to some extent, mind based, energy based drama. I mean if I am here totally within myself, as physical, as breath, just like how Bernard lived, equal and one to all, then, you’re everything, nothing is really separated from you. Separation belongs to the mind/energy. No mind, no energy means you’re equal and one to life, to all, here. I mean that’s true belonging, as you belong to all, to the one group called life. Anything less is mind/energy. So lot of work ahead, to stop the mind/energy within me. I mean as long as that energy directs me, I will be a lonely fellow, disconnected, fearful, untrustworthy, isolated etc. I mean I have to stand within me as ONE, as LIFE. I am here. Not directed by mind/energy. So this is something I can practice now, within my day, where I have lots of chances to STOP the mind, stop those LITTLE energy dances, like those little angers, those little nags, those little blames, etc, I mean stop the little ones first. So that’s my commitment today, to stop participating in small/little energy dances throughout my day. Looking back today, I can see few times, I got annoyed, felt lonely, felt disconnected, felt rejected, felt fearful, felt blamy, as if I am scolding, shit like that, I know, I can stop them. Its time to stop every such point within the day. Cool.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing my process really kicks in, in small things throughout my day. How do I manage small things? Small energy dances. Do I give in? Or do I stop? Greatness is in small things. so I remind myself that throughout my day, I must not participate in energy dances, specially those small/little energy movements/dances within my mind. That little blame I have to stop. That’s where the key is.   

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