day 538: get real

waterI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that only I can change myself, even self-forgiveness cannot change me, if I don’t direct myself to change me. At times I have this idea that “writing self-forgiveness is enough”, this is not so, self-forgiveness must be followed by self-correction and then actual living/application thereof. So I see/realize I have many chances now to actually really put into practice some of my self-corrective statements and common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through the blog tonight. It appears I am writing just to get this done with tonight, another point I have to revisit, yes I am pushing myself to write tonight, but not to do so with the attitude of ‘just get it done’. I mean here I am writing to support myself, this is self-writing, downloading shit from my head onto paper, seen what’s going on, forgiving myself, writing self-corrective statements for myself, sort of giving myself scripts to live by, and directing myself to ACTUALLY LIVE them. I mean, I am not just filling space here or filling up with noise in my blog, this is me sharing my realizations, problems, understandings, my corrections etc. As I write, I see/realize and understand my way out of my mess. So writing is like creating a path out of the mess. I mean not to be confused with university essay writings where stuff is just filled with more stuff. Here I am writing my way to reach that point of understanding. Cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize writing is a self-supportive tool, I write to support myself. This is no obligation or show. This is my time for self-intimacy. Time to discover my way out of my mind. Time to craft a script, a self-corrective script to change myself. I still have to live that script and ACTUALLY change myself. Change is not a consequence of writing, change is a result of actually LIVING the written script.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am working on myself, I walking out of my mind into the physical, hence, this writing is physical support tool for myself. Therefore I commit myself to take my writing seriously, meaning, it’s a platform I must utilize to really support myself, this is not a place to fill with stuff. I write to Rite myself.

Within this I forgive myself for missing so many days and lacking in consistency with daily writing. When I looked at the March blog postings, number of days were missed, and I notice that its kind of getting into a pattern now, where I say to myself “its OK to miss here and there” sort of rewarding myself with a missed day or two. I mean that’s bullshit. I must write daily, its my daily dose of sanity. Postponing or skipping days due to mind-reasons is bullshit, obviously there are sometimes practical reasons to skip days, but largely my excuses have been MIND-driven.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize daily writing is a commitment to myself as well as a commitment to others, as those who might get some support from my blog may miss out if I miss to write daily. This is a process where sharing of our journey will assist ‘strangers’ to start their own journeys. Hence missing days in my own writing affects the process as a whole. This is a point to watch out closely, I mean, I have to self-honestly see my excuses/reasons when I skip days in my JTL. And there is always something to write about, just see the news. And moreover, writing/sharing is an act of penetration into the global/unconscious mind/internet, and that’s an important contribution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to load myself with guilt; no need to do this, I simply direct myself to re-commit myself to write daily, effectively and ACTUALLY LIVE them. Because I see/realize and understand, loading self with guilt is a form of escape and avoidance, because more the guilt, less writing is going to happen, and obviously no self-change is ever possible then.

This one life to live, so live it for real, become real, change for real, contribute for real change of this world. I mean, I am alive, I must direct my aliveness to bring a world that is best for all. I can only do so, if I change myself for real. so get real.

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