day 541: be like a tree.

the purpose of lifeI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burden myself with backchat and blame. Within this I forgive myself for believing that making noise inside my head will somehow bring about solutions/changes to my life. This is not so, back-chatting/blaming is just avoiding self-responsibility. Its passing the buck. Blaming is so easy, it’s all their fault, it’s all because of them, they did it to me, I am messed up because of THEM/they/she/he etc. in this I forgive myself for giving up my self-power, I forgive myself for dis-empowering myself. How I can create solutions if I am stuck in blame and backchat?

When and as I see myself burdened by thinking/backchat/blame etc, I stop, I breathe, and I see/realize this approach is not self-supporting, its avoiding self-responsibility. I am only making noise inside my head but believing that to be creating solutions. Blame/backchat doesn’t create solutions, it destroys.

I mean this is what we do inside and outside, within the world system the same pattern exist, blaming and back-chatting (a form of blame), but never creating any solutions to our world. Protest is a form of blame, special-interest groups are forms of blame, I mean, they don’t’ give a fuck about anybody else only their own little special interest. Nice term ‘special interest’ why not call it ‘self-interest’, which fits so well.

Anyways, I am looking for some silence within myself, too much chatter, too much blame, not cool, only harming my body. I forgive myself for fearing self-silence within myself. I forgive myself for fearing just to breathe and be here in and as my physical body. I forgive myself for seeking distractions like backchat or blame.

I forgive myself for believing that great unjust has been done unto me, what bullshit is this, my mind (I am) looking for something/someone to blame, backchat about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave for energy, give me some energy, pay me some attention, GIVE IT TO ME. I can see I am screaming, demanding energy for my mind-survival.

Slow down, breathe, calm down, get out, go for a nature walk, look at the trees, feel the air, I mean, drink some water, have some coffee, chill out, be here, be with the physical world, the chair, the table, the keyboard, my phone, I mean everything is here, here, here, so many things are here, recognize them, touch them, see them, feel them, I mean, why am I so disconnected from the physical objects here? Sure I can’t have sex with them, or am I saying I can only connect with sexual-potentials? Am I living just for sex? Is my existence all about sex? Is my physical body exist just for sex? I mean why do I even live? So stop the bullshit, breathe, realize everything here is from the very source of life, from the earth, nothing is separate from life/source/earth. It doesn’t mean I have to hug every blade of grass now, but it means I should no longer be lost in the HEAD, gone, vanished, can’t even see the sky over my head anymore, as I am so gone into a mind-heaven alternate reality. WTF.

So be with the physical, appreciate the physical, useless spending inside the head blaming or back-chatting.

Once I was landing in Chicago, as we approached the touch down point, the plane took off suddenly, as it turned out some trouble with the landing gear, wow, what a shock that was, anyways, the pilot tried 3 times, and the third time we landed as in emergency landing. During those insane moments flying over in circles, I recall looking at the trees around, the top of trees, their shapes, etc, I recall telling myself ‘how peaceful and calm those trees look, diametrically opposite to my state of mind at time. As if I wishing to be one of those trees, instead of being this panicky human stuck a plane attempting emergency landing. The awesomeness of nature, the trees at that moment was so amazing, something I can give to myself here now, its never too late. I am here on the ground, breathing, not at all in any way threatened by anything, so I see/realize I can stand here like those peaceful trees, just breathe, stop the backchat/blame. Be like a tree.    

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