day 543: The center of an atom

“Stimulation is giving the power to that which is outside you to decide who you are = that’s Stimulation” – Bernard Poolman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into ‘missing’ mode, not seeing/realizing this is actually me missing me, wanting another to fulfill me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my self-power by ‘missing’ another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize ’empty shallowness’ cannot be filled by another, I have to face it, accept it, breathe through it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I cannot hide or runaway from myself. I have to face myself alone, as one, however lonely that is.

I recall listening to a portal interview where she explains being at the center of an atom, most silent and dark place, in there all you got is yourself, NOBODY or NOTHING is out there to ‘impulse’ you, or ‘influence’ you, or ‘stimulate’ you, I mean you got face yourself head-on. The center of an atom is a very very lonely place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing at the center of an atom, just like how the portal did, and have no reactions within me whatsoever. Within this I see/realize and understand, blame also cannot exist, I mean, who will you blame from the center of an atom? You’re the only one there is.

So within this I see/realize, I don’t have to portal myself into an atom, I am here/there already, I am breathing, my ‘here’ is like an atom, (for a moment if I could imagine like that), because all there/here is ME, so I cannot run away, or escape from the ‘HERE’ of my life, there is no escape from that atom that I am already in (here).

So blame is invalid in that space, loneliness is invalid in that space, I mean if I allow loneliness to occupy me, it can be a very long journey as there is NOTHING external to undo my loneliness until I switch it off. I mean within an atom, you don’t’ get much company, do you? You have to face yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire external stimulation to energize me, to excite me, to activate me, to ‘get me going’, to keep me ‘full of life’, within this I forgive myself for believing that I am dull, boring and dead without external stimulation.

So I forgive myself for feeling loneliness within me, in this I see/realize I want STIMULATION from somebody.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize when I am missing another, I am actually missing their supply of STIMULATION to keep me going. I am missing my drug-supplier.

When and as I see myself ‘missing’ another, I stop, I breathe, and I bring myself back here, into my body, I breathe fully, I am here, like being at the center of an atom, I am here at the center of my-body/my-atom, and I see/realize, there is no-one/no-body/no-thing out there, and this is it, so I accept this dark/silent locale-point within me, within my body, within the center of this atom/me, I am here, there is no escape, there is no running. I breathe, I remain here.

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