day 595: visiting a 30-year-old memory

I am here. I commit myself to breathe and remain here. I realize my mind is throwing all sorts of thoughts, emotions and memories at me, but I can skip them, don’t’ have to participate in them, I can simply breathe and be here. Stay focused on what I am doing, participate in this physical moment here, NOT in the mental moment. Because the mental moment here could be anything, I mean, imagination is endless, I could be gone to planet Mars and touch that rover within my mind OR simply be here and write this blog in this physical moment, touching the keyboard, breathing, looking at the words as they appears on the screen, bit of traffic noise outside, the sensations of my skin, etc. the physical here includes all that is here, for real.

Mind-moment is imaginary, I mean, even past memories are sort of imaginations now, as I have to really look at them, and project them onto here, (as if I am re-creating the past memories again, which is kind of imagination). In other words, when you stop future imagination, even the past memories will stop (unless you really want to look at them). I am not defined by my past memories or future anxieties. I have the power of breath/breathing, in-breath, a pause, and out-breath, directing myself onto HERE.

Or I could really get lost in the mind of the past and future. As far as the mind is concerned, I don’t think if it knows about so-called past or future, for the mind, it’s only a PICTURE, an image, it loves the FEELING/ENERGY these pictures can create. Because and PAST and FUTURE implies ‘TIME’, and does the mind know what TIME it is? I am aware of what time is, MIND doesn’t carry timestamps on the pictures it stores. Interesting. When I look at a picture in my mind, the timestamp of it, when was it exactly this picture taken; that’s a separate piece of information I carry, the MIND doesn’t’ store it along with the picture. Mind is really a set of pixels, pictures, and it survives on them, for its life-force/energy is mined from the physical body. So technically you can fast-foward all you ‘past memories’ into future and pretend like NOTHING ever happened, and it would be very valid to the mind, as it has no sense of ‘time’, but you do. Interesting. I am the creator of my reality, my picture based reality, but giving that power to the mind has been the problem, turning the mind into a GOD. 

I recall an interesting memory when I was around 13 or 14, of being dumped for the first time. She was a sweet girl from the Muslim ladies school next door, we have been bus-dating, meaning bus-only-romance, kissed just once, but the love was hot like hell, then some months down the road (after few months of gap), one day I got into the bus only to see her sitting next to another guy, ouch, it hurt like hell. I left the bus, went to a cafe, had a cigarette, (just puffing only not inhaling) with a coke, and it never bothered me afterwards, that’s some 30+ years ago.

When I recall that picture, “I” have to attach the time/year etc, then I can see the time-line. The mind instinctively doesn’t know when this bus dumping happened, was it yesterday or 30 years ago? But I know the timeline. Hence, breathing, being here, is my power to remain here, otherwise I give power to the mind to swing me around the bus memory again and again. I mean it could, memories are so powerful, it can even terminally knockout. Funny, sometimes I wish to re-connect with her, never found her on FB, indicating I still have ‘some feelings’, buried deep within. I suppose I just want to say ‘hi’ with a smile. Funny isn’t it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to reconnect with SB whom I met as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and a sense of betrayal as I saw SB sitting next to another guy in the bus. In that I forgive myself for walking out feeling broken, disappointed, lied to, cheated, and betrayed. Not seeing/realizing, these are stuff I allowed within myself, I created them within me by not taking self-responsibility to let them go. I am my own creator. I create what goes within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry those memories within me and have ‘feelings’ for them still deeply buried within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be entirely consumed by her as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to name-call her after that incident, as a cheat, a liar because she moved on with another. Not seeing/realizing there was a gap of number of months where I disappeared due to ethnic riots during which time she didn’t know where I was, nor had any means to reach me, and then I reappear months later, so I see/realize I cannot blame her for moving on, I mean, for 13-year-old children few months can be an eternity in the context of romance at that age.

Within this I forgive myself for subtly believing that I will be ‘always get dumped or betrayed’ by others because that’s what happened in the very first time with SB. Not seeing/realizing what happened yesterday stays in yesterday, unless I give it the power to arrive here/now/today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even at such young age develop ‘fear of loss’. I recall having that feeling from the moment we started our bus-romance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame her, use all sorts of emotional blackmail tricks in that turning love into hate.

I forgive myself for complaining to her older brother about this whole episode essentially want to blame her for the end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sort of ‘hide’ after that and never entered into another romance during those teen years as if I got banned, self-tormented into hiding and avoiding.

I forgive myself for accepting the role of a looser just because SB moved on. I forgive myself for missing SB. I forgive myself for giving SB so much power.

I forgive myself for not standing as equals and developing a friendship, and growing within that friendship, instead of sinking into a sea of emotions as a starting point. I forgive myself for believing that what happened with SB will repeat and I forgive myself for believing that failure is romance is assured for me, just like it did back then some 30 years ago.  


Every memory, no matter how remote or insignificant has to be revisited and dissected through self-writing, self-forgiveness and let go off the emotions involved; as much as you can I suppose, because memories are like an ocean, so much is out there in the mind buried across the vastness of your human physical body.  

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