I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less about myself, low about myself because I have reached a point in my current work assignment where I couldn’t make progress anymore, sort of have to give up on it. Within this, I forgive myself for activating/allowing/accepting feelings of inadequacy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with D for apparently creating this defect, not seeing/realizing the complexity of the software system is bound to have such bugs. And my boss entrusted me to resolve it, and I was assigned this complex bug, so I direct myself to own it with pride and resolve the issue, instead of whining/blaming and getting all emotionally angry towards D. I mean he could always say “OK, Anton, you go home, I will work on it and fix it by myself”. I mean wtf, this is my job to fix bugs, so whining about it is no help.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that D deliberately created this bug for me to take over and look bad. I mean this is insane, nobody deliberately creates bugs, it just happens due to the complexity of design or due to lack of design efforts early on. Nobody is out there to ‘get at me’. Wtf, why am I taking this so personally as if, D’s main goal was to make me face this defect and suffer. Basically I am blaming this guy for my failure to fix this in last 2 weeks. wtf.
I forgive myself for blaming myself for not fixing this in the last 2 weeks. Within this I forgive myself for feeling that stinking feeling of ‘less-than’ or unable.
Be here, breathe, write down notes, jot down a map, a path, stop all blame, I am the owner of it now. It may be so, I have to involve more players from various other teams, sort of collaborate with other experts to drive this home. I see that I am looking to ‘give up’ on this, pass this out of my plate as if I want to resign this assignment, “take it away from me, I never want to see it again in my life”. I mean, that’s what heaven did to demons, they were discarded for eternity, till Bernard came along, who took the initiative to assist the demons. So I could walk away from this by discarding the defect like a demon, or take full ownership, full responsibility to resolve this bug, I mean can’t escape the reality we created. It’s here on my plate now, so I am the owner of it.
So first breathe, stop blaming D, stop that subtle anger, stop that emotional pity ‘oh I can’t fix this, I am too weak to fix this, I am inadequate to fix this etc’. Take full ownership and drive this bug home, even if other experts jump on board to assist in this, I am still the owner/driver/director, that tendency to “throw this away” is unacceptable. Don’t’ discard the demons, the negative, turn them around, because I am a co-creator of the demons.
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