day 606: attention seeking disease.

pcI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel troubled’ within myself, not seeing/realizing, it’s the mind that is shaking, I am here as breath, as body. I direct myself to breathe and remain here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the physical is constant, it is the mind that is shaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize a troubled mind can be brought to stillness with breath. I direct myself to breathe and remain here. I mean, wanting to be elsewhere is shaky, living in the mind is shaky.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and blame myself whenever I see myself ‘looking for attention’ which I know I shouldn’t be doing, instead of blame/judgment, I direct myself to stop, breathe and remain here.

This attention seeking mindset is still around, not as strong as it used to be, but still there, in fact today I noticed one incident at work, where I essentially photo-bombed myself to get the attention of another. Later on I went onto self-blame and self-judgment about it, rather upset with myself for that ‘attention seeking’ episode, I mean, no need for that. So I realize seeking the attention of J is something I have done in the past and still keep on doing it. I am stopping this, I mean, wtf, where is equality? Where is treating all as equals, as I would like to be treated, giving too much attention to one person in the hope of getting their attention back is a trick I am playing. Rushing to give attention to J is another way to saying “J please give me attention”. Fuck it. This is stupid. I mean its one thing to greet people, but totally another story when I overdo it, in that all I am saying is “hey give me attention” and has nothing to do with that person. So I was rather bothered by this event today, no need to beat myself up on this, simply stop it, breathe and let go. I mean, attention/energy seeking is trait of the human mind, but I can stop it.

I forgive myself for getting upset with me as and when I realized that I am on an overdrive to seek attention from another. I wasn’t just greeting in an overly friendly way, it was all a ploy to get J’s attention. So this has to stop, I mean, I am essentially slaving myself to this one person whose attention I have come to value just a bit too much. So when and as I see myself to playing little tricks like greeting someone with the intention of getting their attention, I stop, I breathe. Its clear, the whole point behind greeting is to get their attention. Wtf. I mean this shit has to stop, no more slaving myself to another, no more attention craving, simply be here, breathing, seeing all as equals, valuing everyone’s attention equally instead of treating some as GODs and others as insignificant demons.

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