I was dealing with the IT department today about upgrading my Linux box, then I noticed how much fear I have just to ask for an upgrade. As if, I am begging or something. IT is there to support the staff, so what’s the big deal, if there is a need, simply ASK, say what you need exactly. I am like in pain when I ask for things. Wtf, its part of my job to acquire the right tools so that I can do the job at hand. If I don’t’ have/acquire the right tools because I fear asking with clear directions, then how the fuck am I going to accomplish the tasks? It is my responsibility to articulate/mention/list what I need.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic when I have computer resource issues/problems, instead of simply directing myself to ASK what I need. As they say: ASK and YOU SHALL BE GIVEN.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking, requesting resources that I need. Within this I forgive myself for fearing that others may say NO. I forgive myself for fearing the thought “may be I am troubling others when I ask”. Not seeing/realizing, the other alternative is to not ask for anything and just stare at a broken machine, I mean, how will anything get done in that way? This is common sense, specific tools and resources are needed for certain tasks, and there is no shame in asking for them. IT team doesn’t know what I need, thru a process of approval my needs have to be mentioned without any doubt or uncertainties. I mean this is how the system works, ASK and YOU SHALL BE GIVEN.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking with the IT department within the fear that I am ‘troubling them’, that ‘I am begging’ etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘rattled up’ when I experience ‘roadblocks’ in my new project like resource issues or tool issues or ‘system errors’ etc. I mean those are roadblocks and have to face them ONE at a time. Yes ONE AT A TIME and resolve them. I mean I can’t panic at the first roadblock and give up, and go into an emotional mayhem. I saw within myself how I was ‘rattling up’, instead of breathing and remaining here and walking through the ‘equipment approval system’ to get what I need. I mean everyone including the IT department is doing their job, it’s a job for them, and they have a process to follow, they can’t assign me new equipment in a quantum moment just because I ask for it. My needs have to be communicated through proper channels and remain calm meanwhile. Me rattling up won’t get anything. In that I am only ‘shaking up my waters’ which cause others to experience similar shake up within themselves. So one step at a time, one roadblock at a time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘panic and fear’ when I experience roadblocks. Instead of just looking at one point at a time and resolving them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear been alone and abandon when I experience roadblocks, within this I forgive myself for believing that I must find ‘supporters/friends/others’ who can bail me out. This mindset comes from the memory that “everyone knows how to do it, everyone has all the information except me”. It’s a victim mentality. I recall my father having it too, “the whole world knows about all the information except me because others are hiding from me”. Fear and lack of self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are hiding resources and information from me that are vital to my success.
I forgive myself for carrying my father’s mindset virus/energy of fearing that others are holding important stuff/information from me.
I forgive myself for fearing that I cannot find a damn thing by myself (even in this age of super information).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear that “I wont be able find the right information by myself until somebody show it to me”. Within this I forgive myself for mistrusting myself and my abilities.
Just started a long new project, which has about 100 steps before I can see the first sign of the fruit of our collective labor. I mean wtf, how will I get there, if I don’t’ carefully and with absolute attention to details walk each step thoroughly along the way. Can’t make to the 100th step if any previous steps are fucked up. For any step as I face difficulties if I start to throw out the towel, then, I am not a useful team-player, because all I do then is “ask for help” instead of doing my own self-investigation, research and self-application, after which the door to “ask” could be opened and valid, otherwise ‘asking’ is an act of self-giving-up.
So here I have to be careful how I see the phrase “ask and you shall be given”. Of course, when speaking with the IT department, I have to ASK, there is no question about it, because only then what I ASK SHALL BE GIVEN. But when it comes to almost all other roadblocks, self-application must come first, within that “ask and you shall be given” is only an excuse therefore totally invalid. Always self-application, self-research, self-experimenting, self-reading, self-studying, self-understanding first and foremost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that common sense is the guide here. If I need equipment, tools, PCs etc, I shall ASK and it will be given unto me. But if I have the urge for someone to baby-sit me so my step-by-step roadblocks can be resolved, then I STOP and I breathe. I don’t’ allow myself to be baby sit. That is coming from self-mistrust. So I direct myself to investigate, research, study, try, experiment solutions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everyone knows everything except me.
I forgive myself for playing the victim role, instead of directing myself to study, ready, investigate, research etc.
When and as I see myself feeling the urge to just ask others for help, I stop I breathe and I direct myself to investigate solutions. I realize this is a self-expansion process when I do my own study, research, investigation etc, it gets better and better, but if I am stuck to the idea of “asking the leaders” for solutions, then, I am eternally dis-empowered, not giving myself the chance to grow/expand. I mean this is how I expand, by investigating, trying, researching my own solutions, after which point, discussing with ‘leaders’ could become an act of sharing, exchanging of know-hows etc.
When and as I see myself panicking when resource problems are encountered, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself to speak/communicate with the proper authorities/teams/IT etc, to get what I need, exactly. Not less, not little, not appeasing them, not pissing them off, not trying to ‘not upset them’, I simply ASK what I need to do my job. Here I see/realize the wisdom of: “ASK YOU SHALL BE GIVEN”. So I shall ask.
Also I see/realize nobody is hiding information from me, nobody is trying to defeat me. I mean this is my own mindfuck, I simply have to breathe and direct myself step by step, in absolute dedication to find the details and solutions. Because the devil is in the details.
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