day 628: an ancient memory in a dream.

momHad an interesting dream last night, I saw this person after more than 30 years. As a kid I used to visit my cousin’s place and their next door neighbor was an old lady, very stern looking, unfriendly, appears to be like a disciplinarian, in fact very few times only I have said ‘hi’ to her. So, of all the people I have ever known or met, she would be the last one I would expect to appear in my dreams, but she did. How interesting. She was here, totally, no more that ‘weird/scary’ old witch, she was here, (within myself, as myself), just chit-chatting something. It was the first time she directly looked at me, and spoke to me directly. I recall those days, I had an interesting fear of her and her family, because they were a very large family, this old lady has many kids and grandchildren, so whenever this gang got together at her place, we were like nobody. I mean their large family structure couldn’t take outsiders no matter how nice you’re. So I remember this feeling about her, ‘we can never have anything as if there is a mountain between us’. How interesting is that, yet in the dream, she was here, intimate, direct, caring, communicating, stand together, no more that unreachable social force.

I don’t’ know what to take from this dream, not very good in dissecting dreams, but the principle is everything and everyone in the dream is me. So from that perspective I can see few things about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some people and myself are so infinitely apart and disconnected from each other, because of their social and other elite statues, not seeing/realizing, nothing could disconnect me from the rest, only the mind and its stories can make up the separation that exit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this grand old lady who was my cousin’s neighbor and saw her as some old witch, who was out to get us, and scold us and blame us. Not seeing/realizing, all my judgments about her are stuff I just made it up, simply because she didn’t appear very friendly to us. Within this I forgive myself for discarding humans from my life as if I am out-casting them forever, not seeing/realizing everyone is here, I must face them all, here or in the hereafter, I must meet them all, there is no running away from anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this old lady because she didn’t appear as one of those gentle grannies we see on TV, whereas she was stern, tough looking, dark, disciplinarian, not one of those sweet/smiling old ladies. I forgive myself for fearing tough people, specially tough women.

Within this I see/realize once I drop my self-made stories I have built up about other people, they stop being strangers to me, they are here, equal and one, sharing this moment of breath together, sharing this life, this planet together. It is only my mind-stories that separate us, not the size of her family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see her large family as intimidating and that’s a clan I could never take part in. Within this I forgive myself for fearing family structures, as a unit of force that could possibly attack me or stand against me. “their family vs me”. I am the loaner fighting them, their clan, the clan being group 2 or more. Funny how this old lady also actually representing someone in my life nowadays, whose similar ‘tough’ nature I feared and disconnected from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize in sharing the hereness without any mind-stories, there is a natural intimacy between us all, as all judgments, mind-stories disappear, we share this moment as life, as equals, and then move on.

So yes, in the dream, I felt a sense of intimacy with this old lady, simply being here together, I notice how intimate it was, she was not occupied by her extra-large family affairs, or with the power and worries that come with it, she was simply here, sharing a moment within me. Interesting, even the most unlikely person is able to be here, be intimate with all, just being here. Funny, I don’t’ even know her name.

May be its all parts of me, the parts that are so alien even to myself, that I have not embrace within myself, because I have been gone for a while. I have been a stranger to myself. Time to breathe, be here.


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