Greatness in small things. Something similar to that line I heard from this interview by Anu (can’t go any faster). Process really happens in the moment, not on some grand big stage, in the tiniest things when nobody is watching, self alone is the witness where process happens in greatness. Very important point of support for me.
At work lately, I have been making ‘small mistakes’ not expected from a senior staff member like myself, and the consequences are now visible. So time to buckle up, slow down, look, double-check, breathe, be here, yes even in the tiniest step, in that ‘click’ of a link, in closing of a file, send an email, asking a question, making a comment, in all those tiny things slow self down, pay attention to details, and make the greatness of this process happen in small things. I recall a perfect book title, god of small things, yes that’s what I have to be, a god of small of things, because creation begins with small things accumulating into vastness. So yesterday was a humble lesson learned, making small mistakes, allowing them to grow, so essentially became a god of terrible things, because it starts with one mistake leading to another, a cascading effect, this is not creation, rather destruction, but the funny thing is, I wanted quick results, greatness as an end product quickly, so rushing to get there caused mistakes, missing entirely greatness is in the small things/steps here in this breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel upset that I am still making mistakes in small things, not seeing/realizing the reason for it is ‘not slowing myself down’, ‘rushing’ etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush, skip, ‘oh somebody will double check it’, instead of me taking the responsibility to do the work to validate, double-check small things, eliminating mistakes in small things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss small things, within this I forgive myself for mistreating small things, discard, neglect, ignore, be careless about small things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mean and nasty towards small things, small steps, because I have this careless, who-cares, negligent attitude towards small things in a procedure/process in that missing the whole point of creation of great things which happens in small things accumulating, bunch of mistaken steps cannot result in a great end product, it will be defective. Quality is accumulative, in every step of the way, add quality, not mistakes, and how to do this? By taking self-responsibility for small things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inherently believe that I can ignore, and carry this ‘who give a fuck’ attitude towards small things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this hero attitude where I can shine and glow by doing great things on stage, while small invisible things, ‘who gives a fuck’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the self-responsibility, in every step, to make sure mistakes are cut down to zero, if not near zero.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it very personally when my mistakes are pointed out to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize there is a difference between actually making a mistake vs. being careless, or ‘carrying who gives a shit’ attitude. I can accept that mistakes can happen due to number of conditions, but carelessness, bad attitude, negligence, rush-ness, cannot be one of them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always pass the buck to others, ‘oh they will sort it out’, ‘oh J knows how to fix it, let me ask him’, ‘oh I don’t’ know how to do this, so who gives a fuck, just skip it’, are thoughts that tell me to ‘pass the buck’, meaning, don’t’ take responsibility because others apparently will. I see ‘passing the buck’ also mean I don’t’ have bucks/money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, it all boils down to taking self-responsibility, to investigate, to be intimate with small things, small steps, invisible points of actions, creation in small things, when absolutely no-one in this existence is watching me, there I create, small things without mistakes, with full attention, with full intimacy, with full participation/attentiveness, like a god of small things.
So I commit myself to slow down, breathe, and realize, that I have to take full responsibility to small steps, in that implying, every step, because every step is small, so perfection in small steps, living my full potential in small things. I see/realize and understand, a whole lot of mistakes can be avoided, when I take self-responsibility to investigate small things for myself, study them, instead of asking others for help right off the bat, I do the investigation, I take responsibility. I mean, who am I trying to impress by asking questions, or asking for help. There is no god in this existence. Within this I forgive myself for treating some people like gods for their know-how, skills etc, within that I become a slave to them, always rely on asking them for my questions, instead of me investigating, finding my answers. When and as I see myself asking for help, wanting others to sort my small problems, I stop, I breathe. I am here. I take responsibility here, in that cutting down mistakes to near zero, if not zero.
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