I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when new people arrive in my space.
I forgive myself for I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of constriction, withdrawal as I saw the new person today, as if I went into a hiding within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of hiding within myself when I saw the new person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this new person might ask me questions and/or may find out things about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself against others and within this comparison I fear being seen as someone who is less-than the rest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the new person is showing me what I have already accepted and allowed within myself about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ridiculed or dismissed by the new person upon him/her realizing my own self-imposed limitations/beliefs I have about myself. So essentially what I fear is that the new person may find out what I already know about myself.
All this is about lack of equality, I mean if I am standing here as me, as breath, I will be able to communicate with all in an equal manner, without wanting anything from anyone, not wanting to impress, not wanting to appear like Mr know-it-all, not wanting to form a clique. I mean this obvious hiding, avoiding is uncool, nasty and self-limiting. If I were to join a new group of people would I like someone to just vanish from my sight because they apparently ‘don’t like new folks in their midst’, certainly it would confuse me, I would want to be welcomed, least say, ‘good luck’, ‘welcome aboard’ etc, not a cold shoulder. Funny thing is I did that not out of the fear of that person as such, but due to my own fears of facing new folks. Wow. I think in the past there has been a pattern where I welcome new persons, I sort of become all friendly and whatnot, then within that I expect them to be my buddy-buddy, which in time didn’t’ happen, or they come to form their ‘own’ cliques etc, so my fresh new buddy was only a buddy till he/she got his feet wet in the environment that is new to them, and then they sort of ‘dump’ me. I think that’s what made me say “fuck you” to this new person in how I went into hiding or withdrawal from them. It’s fear to be friendly to new people, because then what if the so-called new friendship come to an abrupt end as and when they find/discover other folks to hangout with. Hmm, sounds like I am back in primary school again where I experienced difficulty forming friendships, easy acceptance was hard to come by, and when it did come around due to my own super friendly approach it didn’t’ last too long either.
So what’s the cure here? Obviously not allowing past memories to dictate me, not wanting to be all super friendly, com’on give the new person some time to settle in, it’s a new environment for them too, they must be going thru all sorts of emotions and feelings, nervousness etc to all of a sudden to meet so many new faces all at once. So, give time, be cordial, polite, no need to rush into a buddy-buddy system, ultimately of course, this is not a game of how to catch a fish/buddy, how to trap the new person into my circle, wtf. This is where equality is handy, no cliques, no gangs of cool members where only the cool people talk/chat/hangout leaving everyone else out, I mean I see this pattern everywhere, I resent it, while at the same time wanting to be part of that ‘cool circle’ which apparent I never get in no matter how much I try. Obviously the desire to fit-in is another disease, the desire to be accepted, instead of just being here, breathing, no thoughts, no judgments, no fantasies, no fear, I mean if you’re breathing here, fear cannot take hold of you. Be here as life, as physical, in this even concepts like ‘new person’, ‘familiar person’, ‘known person’, ‘from the same village person’, ‘same race person’, ‘same color person’, ‘same gender person’, ‘same country person’, all that divisional shit disappears. Here, all life is here as me, no one is favored, no one is rejected, no out-caste, I mean all is here as life. Practically of course I cannot spend time or establish agreements with all, time and space is a restriction in this physical reality, but that doesn’t mean I want to form a cool clique where I hangout with only the coolest and leave the not-so-coolest out. This is not equality, is it.
Obviously this is a process, moving from self-interested cool cliques to standing here ALONE as ONE as ALL, this is equality, and I have seen this standing in the living flesh of a human being, so it is very much doable. So when and as I see myself feeling constricted or hiding or withdrawing within myself, when I see new persons in my circle, I stop I breathe, and bring myself back to my physical body. I remain here, equal as me, as body. Self-equality. Cool.
btw, this clique thing is just a step away from bullying, because it requires you to keep your cool clique intact, and well protected, which may imply some bullying/indifference to keep the uncool out, sounds very much like the war situations we have in this world nowadays, the cool gangs blasting away the uncool (and take their resources as well, and after all, those uncivilized uncool savages may not even know how to use their natural resources in a civilized cool way, so lets show them, so clique-ness ends with me, so does war, join us, investigate desteni solutions.
Desteni.org – Participate in Forums or Search Desteni Material.
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The master of war – “Be a Cure, not a Disease”.