I am here, writing, investigating myself, my reality. This is what self-writing is all about, investigating one’s inner and outer worlds. There is no change in the outer without the inner. Couple of weeks of not writing can accumulate pretty fast, and create a certain energy-force from which to start writing again seems lot more tougher. I think this is why daily writing is recommended, not once a week, but daily, or at least a regular commitment, sometimes daily task of writing is just not possible for some. So I have to self-honestly look at this and make a regular commitment to writing, because the more I ‘take breaks’, the harder it becomes to get back to the routine. That’s an interesting word, routine, which I have feared a lot and consequentially faced more problems.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear routines.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear routines within the idea that if I were to follow a routine then my life would be boring, mundane and trapped without any freedom.
I forgive myself for connecting the word routine to ‘lack of freedom’, thereby whenever a routine is required of me, I create this fear of lacking in freedom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word routine to boredom and within that believe if I were to follow any routines I will be bored out of my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word routine to imprisonment, and within that believe if I were to follow a routine that somehow I am being locked up in some imaginary cage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memories of routines where as a child I had to wake up at 5am during school days, which I hated to the nth degree, within that I forgive myself for believing that all routines are about suffering, lack of rest, lack of sleep, torture, confinement etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the daily routine of waking up so early in the morning having to catch the bus to school.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have memories of fear associated with routines, within this I forgive myself for fearing routines.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, routines are about effectively utilizing my time, so that I can get more done within the limited hours I have got in my day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word freedom to carelessness, to carefree, and random, within this I forgive myself for desiring to be free, meaning desiring to be carefree, careless, and spontaneous, random, lacking any specific structure to the hours in my day unless it is enforced by outside sources like my job etc.
Time is in short supply, and time is running out, days and years are moving fast, I mean, this is not hard to see, soon, ‘end of my time’ would be here, not seen/realizing ‘what have I done with my life’ is a question I must face then. In the fear of routines, in desiring to be free, I am escaping structure, form, details to my hours, and days, just want to be casual, carefree, spontaneous, random, jolly, in that not achieving, accomplishing anything concrete.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the words, “life is not about having routines, life is about being free”, in this create an aimless, goalless lifestyle, sort of ‘come or go, Chicago’ mentality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, routines give structure for success, getting more things done, that sense of movement, accomplishment, and not just sit around and thinking, but actually doing/moving/ myself within a structure of activities/plans etc.
I forgive myself for fearing routines, within that desire to be aimless and wondering, doing things only when absolutely have-to. Not seeing/realizing within such carefree mindset doing anything is actually difficult because there is this feeling of ‘forcing against’ something, instead of naturally moving myself to get things done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word routine to the feeling of being stuck, within this create a sense of being stuck when I am doing anything that is routine in nature or routine based. Living life on earth requires a shit load of routine work, consistent, regular, timely, directed self-movement. And I am always here in and within my routines, it’s not like I will suddenly vanish during routine activities, I am still here, breathing within and as my body. Just that I can’t be in my mind a whole lot when I am engaged in routine tasks, perhaps that is my resistance, the fear of not being inside the head all the time, as routines will force me to act/work/move here, not just sit inside my mind thinking/feeling things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider these words which I heard a long time ago, “assign it to the busiest guy, and he will get it done”, meaning, the busy person is so organized and moving within a routine, it is very likely they will accomplish any new tasks given to them, while with the ‘wondering, aimless, careless, take-it-easy’ laid-back person accomplishment of things is not guaranteed. I see that mood and routine don’t go hand in hand, because routines cut through the moods, get things done no matter what, whereas mood-base-doing is just as it sound, based on the mood of things, very unpredictable and unreliable, hence mood is doom, while routine is the route to success.
This is something to learn from successful business people, they get things done, very routine, moving from one task to another (of course in this context, their movement is driven by profit no matter what, which not what I am suggesting, for me, moving from one to another is to live a life of full potential, no time wasted in wondering around, or letting the mood decide for me). Using blocks of time to get things done, learning, physical movement, physical participation, writing, cooking, computer work, social, shopping, yoga, swimming, walks, reading, even while at work there can be a structure to my 8 hours, how I move myself within those 8 hours getting most of it.
So when and as I see myself resisting routines, I stop, I breathe. I direct myself to construct a routine instead, giving myself a structure, looking at my hours, how to move thru them effectively, so that it can assist me in living my life to the full potential (not based on a profit motive, rather what is best for me and what is best for all).
When and as I see myself just wondering, lacking any specific aim, or goal, or just aimless waiting for some mood to decide what to do, I stop, I breathe, and direct myself to draw a routine, a structure, so that I can maximize my ‘free time’, do more in my hours, in that living a life of full potential.
When and as I see myself moving within a block of time that is carefree, or casual, or aimless, or non-routine, or ‘just wondering around’, I stop, I breathe, and ask myself ‘what is the point of just wondering around, what is the point of this aimlessness’, within that I direct myself to find a routine, and direct myself to do/move and get things done within a structure.
There are loads of activities, process activities, just normal day-to-day activities, learning stuff, listening, I mean, cant’ give the excuse ‘well there is not much I can do now, so might as well just relax’. Well, even ‘relax’ can be routine based, ok within this time slot, I give myself the time to just relax, so it’s not aimless or endless wondering relaxation, but self-directed movement to relax, sit down, have some coffee with something good to read/listen, i.e. relax. So this requires self-awareness about time, how I am moving within my time, am I directing myself or being directed by some magical mood? This way a balance can be created, not all time is relax time, or not all time is study/work time. Routines are the routes to success, by cutting down waste.
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