Day 635: fear of success at work

man-jugglingGranted I can only work on one thing at a time, focus and be fully consumed, concentrated by one thing at a time, but that doesn’t mean few things can’t be on the go at the same time. Multitasking.

Sometimes at work, I give this excuse, “oh I am waiting to finish project-A before I can jump to project-B”, while A has periods of lull, not always continuous linear progress, sometimes there are periods where I am ‘just waiting’ for external feedback/input etc for project-A to move to the next step, so here comes time-slicing/multitasking, meaning, I can turn lull periods to work on project-B. Somehow though I feel a sense of resistance or difficulty or discomfort or even tiredness/pain to completely shift out of a project into another. I suppose I like those lull periods as I can take a break, a well-deserve break, just surf the web, or go for a scroll etc. So this is a point where I can and must make some improvements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and create limitations for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not good at multitasking as in moving from one project to another unrelated project and back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must finish project-A 100% before I can even look at what project-B is all about, within the believe that my mind is still consumed by project-A. This is a serious limitation, an idea, a self-created belief, because if I really look it, project-A and project-B are of many sub tasks, so why can’t I finish project_A_task_7 and hop to project_B_task_1 and then return to project_A_task_8, like that alternating between the 2 lists of sub-tasks for projects A and B.

So I see the problem, I have not written down the list of sub-tasks to do in great detail breaking them down into even smaller pieces, had I done that it would be easier to mark off as I progress. Since I have not broken down project-A and project-B into manageable details/sub-task, I carry them within my mind, a weight, a load of two things to do should I multitask, so I prefer to just blindly move along with project-A until I reach the end of it, then my mind is empty, now I can focus on project-B. So this is a self-created limitation to appease the mind, done out of laziness, lethargy and even bit of self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea that I don’t’ need to create a sub-task lists, where all and every step is outlined and as I go along, I can tick mark them off indicating progress. Within this I forgive myself to create a sense of resistance, reluctance and avoidance to creating that sub-task list. It’s like I don’t want to look at the long list of sub-tasks to do, so I just mentally proceed on a project till I reach its natural end, and lull periods are just carefree/bum time, I mean after all I am waiting for external input/feedback so I can just wait, wait and wait.

I mean it’s all about getting many little things done, when you tick mark off little things, the projects move along faster, so that idea I can only work on ONE project at a time is self-limiting, almost as if I don’t’ like to see my progress, as if I fear my own success so I make sure I am stuck in limited success if not failure.

Of course like breathing I can only ‘focus’, dedicate, attend to one thing at a time, but this ‘one’ thing doesn’t have to be from one project only, I can hop back and forth, from project A to project B, and still be focused only on ‘one’ thing, in this way, both projects are move along well on the axis of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to create that long list of sub-tasks, as if I don’t’ like to tick mark off as I go along, as if I just like to blindly move along, without looking at my own progress only realizing major milestones in the project. Clearly there are lull periods, and I don’t necessarily have a plan for those periods either, I see them as a ‘well deserve breaks’, a bum time, a time way from great success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hopping back and forth, tick marking off sub-tasks across multiple projects. Only an idea is preventing me, the idea that I can only work on ONE project not TWO concurrently. This is a delusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at my own success and progress as I move along, as if I like to create the impression and feeling of impending failure within me. As if I don’t like success.

I forgive myself for fearing success, within this I forgive myself for deliberately walking a path that will assure me only limited success, with a touch of failures on it as well.

I forgive myself for fearing to use the optimal tools and methods to accomplish projects within that reaching my highest life potential at work.

I forgive myself for taking the least resistance path, in that as if I am making sure, I survive with bare minimum success, just enough to get by, nothing more.

I forgive myself for fearing great success.

I forgive myself to fear touching multiple projects at the same time and achieve concurrent success on all of them.

So the first self-correction here is to write down a list of sub-tasks, for both projects, in that way, at least the weight is off my mind and on the paper, and now its a matter of tick-marking them, as I move along. Obviously as priority might dictate, I may still be ‘mainly focused’ on one project, while during lull periods I can tick mark off sub-tasks from the not-so-high-priority project. End of the day, I own both projects, so both needed to be done, sooner or later.

Interesting to see how self-sabotage plays a role here, a deliberately ploy to walk a path of least success, just doing enough to get by.

I forgive myself for self-sabotaging myself by walking a path of ‘just enough to get by’.

I forgive myself for fearing success as if all good things will leave me or end up disappointing me, so might as well, just keep it low and down, bare minimum to just get by.

I forgive myself for fear losing success should I achieve it first.

I forgive myself for fear falling into loss/defeat from a point of success, and within that I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing I have created an attachment and a value for ‘success’ instead of simply ‘moving along’, ‘progressing’, getting things done without any definition for the word ‘success’. I mean what is success at work? Is it a value system, will I lose it? On the other hand, living my full potential is cool, if anything that is what success is, giving my best shot, applying the best tools, methods to get things done, experiencing/living my full life potential. Not a value based system or idea, not a possession, not a source of pride, rather joy of living my maximum life potential, instead of barely surviving at work.

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