When I look back some of my words and actions, I feel that wall of shame within myself, “damn it, why did I say that, why did I do that” etc, because I realize that a moment of pause, breathing could have saved me from that shame. Specially in group settings, I have found myself later regretting for saying the ‘damnest things’ which turned out to be very uncool.
Things within personal relationships are bit different because there are lot of emotions and feelings involved, so that’s more like emotional reaction/spite from my part, which too, I later regret big time. Group setting shame is lot more intense, because there is embarrassment in front of many others. In any case, please listen to this eqafe interview about the wall of shame, and you may find ample support about how to direct past mistakes, and shames into future corrections. Here I will focus on the wall of shame I sometimes create within group settings, leaving personal relationship shames to another blog.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that sometimes I make comments within group settings just to get attention for myself, and in that I end up saying ‘odd things’ that are not professionally cool, in that creating moments of shame, embarrassment and fear for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use group settings like team meetings or social gatherings etc to grab the maximum attention for myself by saying the oddest things, or asking odd questions, which are not me effectively participating with the team, but more so driven by my desire to get attention. I mean its like I am making noise more than anything else. And this has been a point of shame for myself which I later regret and feel really shameful about myself for making a fool out of myself. I mean its one thing to participate in a group setting without being a lame duck, but it’s another story when you want to just make noise in the team to get attention to self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I am mostly focused on getting X’s attention, I mean this is very clear by now. I am not participating within the principle of what is best for the whole group, rather my main focus is to get X’s attention. I forgive myself for treating X like a god, whose attention I must strive for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just say something, anything, mostly funny comments to get the whole team laughing in that I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing that I am activating their joke/humor systems so that ‘they will like me’ and X will like me too.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize just keeping silent till my turn comes to speak is the solution, but instead I jump and make comments to be the center of the group, causing embarrassment and shame for myself. I forgive myself for that.
I forgive myself for embarrassing myself in the team settings.
I forgive myself for lowering myself, my self-worth in the desire to get attention for myself, for my mind rather. Because essentially all I am doing is feeding my MIND, because it needs ATTENTION.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize when I make such noise within group context, it makes it difficult to be intimate with anyone in particular, because they sense that I am not real, only making noise for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that should I keep quiet within the group, then, I will be seen as a lame duck, who is not participating and who is ‘careless’ etc, in this I see/realize how I have created such believes to justify my noisy participation within the group, so that I can get my dose of attention no matter what.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize its all about getting the attention from X, the god almighty. Instead of standing equal to all in the team, and sharing equally, speaking when appropriate and required, not just making noise to get attention to myself.
I remember an old quote from the bible, for some reason it stuck with me,
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. – Proverbs 17:28
I forgive myself to fear keeping silent in the group, within that believe that I must say something, and if there is nothing to say, then say something funny make everybody laugh, be the clown, in that I forgive myself for making a fool out of myself. Not seeing/realizing “even when a fool keeps silent, he is considered wise.”.
so I have felt shame number of times following team gatherings for saying the odd things, later on I would cringe in embarrassment and self-shame. So here the practical correction is ‘silence’, keep quiet in team gatherings, I mean this is a not pub situation I am talking about, so best to keep quiet, and speak when required and ask to, otherwise I direct myself to remain here as silence, as the breath of life, here. Obviously I have a funny side, I do see myself as a funny guy, but have to be careful how that personality is played out to get attention from X. I mean, if X is not there in the room, will I still make funny comments? So is it me who is funny? Or me acting funny in front of some people to get their attention? Or am I funny to suppress things? The comedian’s life review can give some perspective on that. I mean certainly you don’t’ want to be all funny funny funny to hide your own demons, that’s a bottomless pit, then you just have to be an endless clown to entertain everybody while your own dark demons get suppressed more and more.
So there is a clear balance directed by self-honesty. Also, I am not saying I am going to be a silent lame duck at work now, with some duck tape put around my mouth, no, all I am saying is, I will remain here as breath, breathing, and speak as needed, as required, as appropriate that is best for me, and best for all, certainly no need to make noise to grab the center of attention for myself. Then later on I wouldn’t have to deal with shameful struggles like “damn it why did I say that, why did I do that” etc. So I direct myself to remain here as breath in my body, here totally, fully participating as I am here entirely and totally, listening to all the problems/issues that is being discussed and in that I am an actual real participant because should I see/hear any solutions, I can then effectively speak about it, and actually bring some value to the team, instead of using the team to grab attention for myself, specially X’s attention for myself. I stop I breathe to end this wall of shame within myself.
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