Living the principle of equality is a real-time test for me within group settings. Time and again I have found that I treat some like gods within the group while others get nothing. Obviously that’s not equality. The tendency for ‘clique mentality’ is still there despite having suffered from it and dislike being treated like an outsider by other cliques. Also I am looking here how I have a tendency to suck up to leaders within a group from the starting point of wanting to be liked by them or form some special connections with them just because of their position. Even though I have written about this before, the pattern still exist and bothers me. Like Bernard mentioned once, ‘write 100 times if you have to till you correct it’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suck up to leaders within group context while completely ignoring those who are on the sidelines.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the special attention from leaders.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sense of discomfort and fear when speaking with the leaders.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at unease when I am speaking with leaders.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical unease when I am speaking with leaders one to one, as if I am in fear and paranoia.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes act very polite and cool when I am with leaders just to be liked by them, within this I forgive myself for acting out personalities while I am facing leaders.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize leadership is a job or an assignment within the world system, with the power of the system being assigned to them, so essentially by sucking upto leaders I am showing how much fear I have of the world system. I mean if I were to see the same person in a homeless shelter begging for food, would I show the same unease and physical discomfort while in their presence? No, goes to show the power of the system that I have allowed and accepted to control me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship and fear the power of the system and those who carry that system-power within them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X, I forgive myself for playing out a GURU-devotee like role while dealing with X, I forgive myself for playing out a master-slave role, within this I forgive myself for fear being disliked hence outcast from the group by X.
I forgive myself for not asking the question: why can’t I be here equal with myself hence equal with all that is here without any special considerations for anyone?
I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing though I have given up trust in god, but I still fear the god-like people in the system with power.
I forgive myself for fearing GOD-like people in the system with power of GOD allotted to them by the system.
I forgive myself for sucking upto GOD-like leaders in the group.
I forgive myself for fear being kicked out by the GOD-likes.
I forgive myself for fear being not liked by the GOD-like people in the system.
I forgive myself for treating X like a GOD-like.
I forgive myself for ignoring all others because my focus is on the leaders wanting/seeking/needing and desiring their sole attention.
I forgive myself for not being here as breath, as the silence of the breath, here breathing within myself, in that I am not looking for anything or anyone outside of myself, as I am constantly establishing my-self-equality.
I see/realize lack of self-equality is the reason why I suck upto other GODs, because I am not equal and one within myself. I am not here as breath, breathing, with the focus and attention within myself, rather I am stuck looking/desiring/wanting the attention of the leaders, in that play out various tricks to get their attention. If I am totally and entirely within myself as breath and breathing with my physical body awareness, all and everything here will be at equal distance to me, hence in equal intimacy to me, because I am self-intimate with myself, as within, so without, one cannot be intimate with others without self-intimacy. Lack of self-intimacy what manifest as sucking upto others, because I am trying fill myself through others, specially through leaders, those god-likes among us.
I forgive myself for not giving myself the key to freedom, self-intimacy, breathing, breath, here as equal and one with my physical body.
When and as I speak/deal with leaders here, just me and other physical bodies, we are already equal and one as the physical, in that I see only the mind can tell me that some are more GOD-like than others, some are more worthy than others etc, in that worshiping some and discarding others silently. So when the mind stops there is self-equality naturally, hence equality with all others naturally. Cool.
When and as I see myself in a group setting, or in one to one dealing with leaders those who are the GOD-likes in the system, I stop I breathe and remain breathing within myself, making sure I am within myself, within my body-awareness, not gone into my head looking for the attention from the gods. I am here in the body, in that, I am equal to myself and to all, equally.
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