Other day I got a call from my brother saying that my dad, 84, is pretty sick and could possibly be serious. We discussed few issues including funeral cost etc, on the one hand memories and feelings about the parent is running high, and on the other, have to deal with the pressure of big money to spend suddenly, this is an industry after all, you can even buy shares of some of the brand name funeral homes.
Also various thoughts, emotions, feelings, discomforts and other what-if images were running in my head so rapidly as I look at the possibility of some bad news anytime. I am glad I have already done a mind construct on my dad sometime ago, covering many things and making peace with them, so here, I am only touching whatever I am seeing now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel very strange and odd about the realization that may be my dad is dying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable visiting him one last time as if saying good-bye. Within this I forgive myself for holding onto ‘why bother’ like attitude.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘difficult’ facing this impending death in the family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it difficult facing the responsibility when a family member dies, like arranging the funeral, doing the needful things, and taking care of mom, and facing all those people who will come to the funeral whom I wish not to see.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated when I think about the funeral because I fear facing those people whom I don’t like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated that funerals are like wedding parties nowadays, where everyone will come and have to greet them, feed them etc, somewhat like a party for them, a fun-for-all thing.
Within this I forgive myself for already placing myself under pressure by thinking who will come and whatnot, instead of simply focusing on my father and his departure, so I see/realize this is not about the attendees, whom I may like or dislike, it matters not, the funeral is to bury the dead, and it is my responsibility as the oldest son to take care of things, and not focus on ‘some people’. Times like this even the old enemies will gather, I mean, this is not a time to carry old spite about anyone, or focusing on what they did in the way past, I mean, that’s pretty insane of me to look at the attendees whereas my focus should be on my mother who might be totally confused and lost at a time like this, and sending off my father honorably.
I forgive myself for worrying about the costs related to the funeral, instead looking practically into the cheapest honorable funeral services that are available.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize me visiting my dad now is simply to show him that I care and to give him a moment of peace, sort of saying “our ego wars over the years are now over, you can go peacefully”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize death is an absolutely certainty for everyone, I mean nearly 21,000 children die daily out of hunger or related diseases, yet, I feel not for them nor mourn their demise. But I am already bit emotionally shaken by the condition of my dying father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit shaken by all this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize he will face his life-review and self-realize for himself his own potential and ‘who he truly is’, a far cry from who he is currently.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto anger, spite and bitterness towards my dad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto anger towards him for humiliating me and causing me much distress during my teen years.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame him for being a constant blamer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike him for being a constant blamer.
I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing that he simply didn’t know what he was doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame him for wasting his life, not seeing/realizing that everyone’s life is sort of waste, because all we do is chase the next mind-energy high, the next thrill, the next personal achievement, my dad is no different, in his own blindness he did what he knew best.
He had no understanding about birthing himself as life here through the physical. And now, he will get a chance. Life-review is an act of mercy, you get to self-realize yourself, forgive yourself, correct yourself, and then be HERE as life. Also you get to participate in this process from the hereafter, which he never got to do while on earth. In a way, death is a gift, certainly it would be for him.
I recall my dad as someone who is emotionally possessed almost all the time, its like, he is always in some kind of a bad mood, annoyed, irritated, frustrated, depressed, or even sad etc. a mean old grumpy man even during his youth. I cannot recall many joyful times with him, may be few glimpses. We used to make kites together. He was a very responsible father, I mean, he was always there to attend and care for his children/wife etc, there was no lack, we always had our needs meet, and he made sure our schooling went well, he attended to my studies well, he made sure I got thru them. Though many hurts are still there, gratefulness should not be held back for him, I mean, his commitment and responsibility to carry out family duties are exemplary.
So before I visit him, I have to forgive him and forgive myself totally, I mean, not cool to carry shit within myself while visiting a dying man.
I forgive myself for ‘never liking’ my dad. Its like very hard to ‘like’ this person.
I forgive myself for seeing him as ‘dis-likeable’.
I forgive myself for never making any attempt to like him or get to know him, I was happy to avoid him.
I forgive myself for blaming dada by saying “you never listen, can you just shut up and listen for once” etc, in that I forgive me for not seeing/realizing that he did not know what he was doing. His behavior is learned, pre-programmed to produce maximum mind energy possible. I mean he is not pre-programmed to birth what is best for all, or to live a life of full potential in a way that is good for him and good for all.
I can’t say he had wasteful life, I wouldn’t be here without him, his responsible nature helped me to get a good life for myself.
I forgive myself for feeling sad about his death approaching. I know he is a very fearful man, very afraid of things, I remember as a child he would be very fearful when we pass local thugs on the streets, that’s his general nature, fear, so I do feel sad that he would have to face his death alone, it might be really scary thing for him. And nobody really likes to die, nobody likes to ‘give up’ their life, that life force in them, at least in the very last moment will look to hold onto life. I can see my father begging to be alive, not wanting to go.
As a constant worrier, constant blamer, now he will get a chance to STOP the mind and pause, be here, breathe and see this moment here for what it is, I don’t’ think he ever was ‘here’, at least he appeared like always lost in deep thought and worried about something. The Sunday drinks kind of slowed his mind at least for a while. In a way it is a wasted life, as his whole life was spent inside the mind worrying about something. At the same time, laziness is not a word I can describe my dad, I mean, he likes to move, act, a doer.
I forgive myself for judging other’s life as wasted or not, I mean I have no right to call that short. I have to consider the extensive brainwashing, the pre-programing that everyone is subject to, I mean our lives are like a controlled puppet show serving one purpose, give energy to heaven/mind.
I forgive myself for judging my dad’s life as wasted, as a life only served his mind.
But here is the interesting part, almost everything that I dislike about him exist in me as part of my personality/makeup, so I have the chance to correct myself, fix myself, and rebirth myself. I get to correct all his shit, in me. So in a way, self-changing is a gift to self and a gift to all, because the ALL is also a reason why the shit exist in the first place, not just in my parent individually but also in whole of mankind. So self-change is a gift to all, an act of mercy to all, ending the sins of the forefathers, setting them all free. Yet everyone must individually realize and change themselves. Also we can’t blame or hold any one person as BAD, I mean this badness is a collective creation. In the words of Jesus, “they do not know what they do”.
So here is my dad, possibly facing the final days on earth, I would say he had a “difficult” life, in conflict with almost everyone in his life, no friends, no real relationships, no connections with anyone not even with his wife, children avoid him, grandchildren ignore him, rather painful lonesome picture, it’s a picture of a very burdened man, unable to set himself free from his own mind and its creations. Sometimes he appear like the loneliest man in existence, there is a certain resonance about him, even when people are around him, like in a party for instance, there is that look of an isolated lonesome figure. I hope I am not judging him too harshly here, but this is exactly how I see him, cut off from everyone, yet desperate to connect with anyone but unable or unwilling. Obviously his history, childhood, his parents, his early education etc, I have no clue about those aspects of his life, I am pretty sure everything contributed to the making this isolated figure.
As I said before, father like son, I have all his not so beautiful features, so much so, recently somebody jokingly called me “lonely wolf”, which tells me that I am carrying my father’s energy, his resonance, that cut off isolated figure etc, in fact all of his stuff I am carrying, I can see that in me. May be this is his greatest gift to me, ‘the sins of the forefathers’, so that I can walk thru them and birth myself out of it.
He too will get his chance, and I am sure, for the first time in his very existence, he will not feel isolated, lonely, disconnected, unwanted or neglected whenever he crosses over, because he will get to stand equal and one to all of existence after his life-review. I am grateful to know that my dad will no more be discarded.
I commit myself to walk my process extensively with dedication and self-application until I remove every mind pattern that exists in me. Because I see/realize and understand me walking my process is a gift not just to me but also for all. In this we are able to establish equality and oneness here on earth, including and embracing all as life here.
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