day 651: worry, fear of loss, debt, collectors, no sleep

tenseI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and react to the situation where I am suddenly awaking up too early in the mornings like 3:30am or so cutting down my sleeping to 4-5 hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about this.

I forgive myself for believing that I must sleep for at least 7 hours to feel well rested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the idea that I must sleep for at least 7 hours or else I will be tired. Within that I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing that I am creating this tiredness within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask the question, is 4-5 hours of sleep not enough for my body? Or is it my mind needing 7+ hours of sleep? After all, sleep is to rest the body.

I forgive myself for not experimenting with 4-5 hours sleep routine, instead just believe that I must have 7+ hours of sleep.

Granted these are ideas, and views I have about sleep which could contribute to my sleep problems lately. But it is also possible accessing some constant worry which could contribute to sleeplessness, like how Sunette explained the other day:

I have found this to be connected to an underlying stress / tension – so, have a look at when and where you access almost a constant worry / stress that is affecting the body “- Sunette.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access some worry which I have participated constantly. Come to think of it, her point makes sense, I have been accessing a worry point lately, because I mean never in my life I got up at 3:30am, sleep was in abundance, if anything the problem was sleeping too much, never the lack of it. So here suddenly in the last couple of weeks, I am up at 3:30 reducing my sleep to 4-5 hours and that’s causing some tiredness throughout the day. A good 5 hours should be acceptable, but 4 hours is pushing.

I forgive myself for worrying about losing everything I have.

I forgive myself for fearing that I could lose everything.

I forgive myself for fearing that I could be chased around by the collection agency taking everything away from me.

I forgive myself for fearing the collection agencies, the debt collectors, whose merciless means could render me poor and living on minimum.

I recall back in the late 90s, I was doing some contract work for the first time, and contractors are usually paid bit more than the regular full-timers, and income taxes are not withheld at the time of pay, so basically you have to pay all your taxes year-end or bi-annually. I blew all my earnings away, and come year-end, I owed a good chunk in taxes and they were after me, it’s like being hunted down by the collection agency who were an external arm of the government. I was reduced to living on minimum till everything was paid off. More than having to pay back the money, which rightfully belongs to the revenue agency, what caused me the anxiety was dealing with the collectors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dealing with any kind of collection agency who are after your money and will use any means to get it.

I remember worrying and panicking, fearing having to face the courts, even jail time, etc. “we will sue you and you will have to pay all the legal fees and may end up doing time as well”.

I immediately gave in, and went on a minimum living pay, while the rest of the cheque was taken to settle of the taxes to the government. They threaten not only to go after me but if needed after my loved ones also. I mean what they have to do with my debt? That’s how the collectors operate, use maximum threats to get their money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the collection agencies, fear having to deal with them.

I forgive myself for fearing ‘collectors’ in general.

I forgive myself for fearing that they could take ‘everything’ and leave me on an absolute minimum, a step away from homelessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the court systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the legal systems and lawyers etc.

I forgive myself for fearing the idea of fighting in the courts for my position.

I forgive myself for submitting to whoever threatens me.

I forgive myself for fearing to live on minimum, I mean what’s so bad about living on minimum? I still have a roof over my head and food on the table, transportation etc. it just my account balance will suddenly be close to zero. Like living breath by breath will have to live on very narrow operating margin. They didn’t’ threatened me to death or starve me to death or make me homeless etc. they will just take everything and leave me with something minimum to live by.

Back in school days I have a memory of dealing with a schoolmate who acted like a collection agency. “A bunch of thugs are waiting outside the gates for you, fully armed with chains, iron rods, and knives etc”, I remember hearing those alert/warnings and how my schoolmate explained to me, and I went into such extreme fear and panic. I recall not leaving the school compound for 2-3 hour after classes. Interestingly enough this schoolmate of mine is a CEO now running his own financial/investment firm. I wonder how many of his clients are waiting to meet their “bunch of thugs with chains and iron rods outside the gates”. He said that with a smiling/gentle kind of a face, making him completely detached as if he has nothing to do with it, only reporting to me what he apparently saw at the gates. The fact is I owed him money so unless I settle the debt, these ‘thugs at the gates’ will not go away. I recall going into such intense fear, fear of death, fear of beaten up etc, and fear being taken whatever little I had at that time.

I forgive myself for fearing K when he threatened me with ‘thugs at the gates waiting for you’ story.

I forgive myself for fearing those ‘thugs with iron rods and chains’, as explained by K, in this I forgive myself for trusting and believing his story without investigating the possibility it could be a total made up story just to threaten me.

I forgive myself for fearing that unless I settle my debt I will be met with ‘thugs with iron rods and chains’ who will reduce me to minimum living or will simply kill me.

So last couple of weeks, I am accessing a fear/worry relating to ‘settlement’, yes money settlement. So unless I gave in, and settle with whatever they want, I could possibly face the ‘thugs with iron rods and chains’ at the courts, in the form of lawyers and collection agencies. And they could ‘take everything away’ leaving me on a minimum. I mean, it’s the law of the land, it’s the interpretation of the law of the land, lawyers can twist and turn anything to suit their demands, and there is no guarantee I will win the case, its half-half, can go either way. I stand to lose a lot, and I have no intention to ‘defeat’ the other party.

So this is the ‘constant worry’ I can relate to what Sunette was saying above. The constant worry of having to face the court systems, the lawyers, possibly collection agencies, and them taking everything I have and leaving me on a minimum. This worry has been running inside of me for sometime now, so time to stop and breathe, be here.

I mean, after all, they are not putting me in jail or anything like that, I still have a good job, I have skills, I can ‘build up’ again, I mean really, there is nothing to fear. They wont’ make me penniless, just absolute minimum till the debts are settled, after that I can earn/grow/save again. I mean, its my “desire to hold on” is the issue here. I like to sit on mountain not on a mole hill. I will be still here, still breathing, my body will be here, my skills are here, job is still here, good health is here, so I can regrow, build up again.

I forgive myself for fearing to lose all that I have.

I forgive myself for losing sleep due to this constant worry of loss, fear of being reduced to a minimum living lifestyle.

I forgive myself for fearing the ‘thugs at the gates’ who might take away my things.

I forgive myself for being so attached to my ‘things’ hence fear losing them.

I mean, it’s all just numbers, and I have defined myself through those numbers, hence limiting myself, my life, etc, not seeing/realizing these numbers can shrink, grow, as long as I have a roof over my head, food on the table, transportation etc, there is nothing to worry about ‘practically’ speaking. Sure if they reduce me to near homelessness then of course, yes I have a practical worry, because my life outside in this freezing conditions is something to worry and very precarious, so this is not at all the case, I am unnecessarily and constantly accessing that worry/fear.

I am still here, breathing, healthy, able to grow, expand etc, even from a minimum condition. This is the price of consequence, so might as well face it and move on. Beside, this is not at all how the situation is unfolding, all I have done is create a fearful ‘thugs outside the gates’ scenario inside my mind based on the past memories, as the story developing now, there is a ‘comfortable settlement’, which I can easily walk thru without any major worries/losses.

So this is a root cause of my constant worry hence lack of sleep by waking up at the ungodly hour of 3:30am for a while now, in fact, ever since these ‘settlement’ talks began few weeks ago, so Sunette’s point makes total sense.

So my corrective statement is simple, when and as I fear losing everything based on the memory of ‘thugs at the gates’, I stop I breathe, I bring myself back to my body here. I direct myself to walk thru this, face it head on, while always considering what is Best for All parties involved, and reaching a settlement and sticking to the settlement, in that way avoiding anything legal or collectors. There is nothing I can do about the outcome of the law, it is what it is, must face the law, like it or not, and face its wrath. But I am not losing my life or my world, or anything like that. I am here, still here, breathing and living, growing, expanding etc. I don’t’ need to fear the thugs at the gates, I can face them head on, and reach a settlement, after all, it’s only the money they are after. I realize I am not compromising myself here either, so time to breathe and relax, remove this constant worry and fear from my mind, my body, which has been the root cause of my sleeplessness lately.

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