Imagine being like a tree, just standing still solid, no reactions whatsoever. I say that because I find myself still reacting in subtle ways, still thoughts of judgments, annoyances, blames, and bachchats are lingering around, still have that ‘they vs me’ kind of perception. All that starts with me wanting, desiring to join ‘them’.
So, just breathe and observe even the ever so slight reactions, mind movements within self. I mean, my backchats have reduced significantly over the couple of years since walking this process, so that’s pretty cool, and now time to chuck whatever little remains. Those slights backchats can grow and cause havoc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still participate in slight, subtle backchat about others specially with those whom I mingle on a daily basis.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry little annoyances towards others assuming that they are ‘against me’.
I forgive myself for seeing M as attacking me, and has got an attitude of ‘them’ whereas me just ‘alone and left out’. Within this I forgive myself for looking to be in the same ‘team’ like M hence wanting/desiring to form a clique with others. I realize my wanting/desiring for approval, recognition, acceptance by others is a cause of me ‘feeling’ like an outsider. So I am sort of creating this ‘outsider’ feeling with my desire/wanting in the first place. So standing here, just breathing, like a tree, unmoved by the winds of emotions, feelings, looking at what’s here physically and directing them in a way that’s best for all, best for the team, best for whomever I am with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself see others as having an ‘attitude’ of superiority towards me, not seeing/realizing I am allowing that, seeing them as ‘gods’ instead of seeing them as equals, may be so they are have more ‘know-hows’ than me, but it doesn’t make them gods. I don’t need to suck up to them, perhaps that’s why they ‘look down’ on me, because I am resonantly creating such an environment by carrying it within me ideas/views/opinions that suggest superiority/inferiority complex.
Or even a wanting to ‘join them’ is a desire driven by ‘less-than’ attitude, basically I am saying I am ‘less’ without them, so I strive to have their approval, acceptance etc, this is dis-empowering. Instead of me standing here, like a tree, breathing, looking at what’s here, and directing them, without getting involved in any personal views, ideas, opinions about people, because that’s backchat, a disease which can grow very fast. Sort of cold-blooded stone-like emotionless is needed, in that not to worry ‘intimacy’ with others is not lost, because you’re growing self-intimacy, which is the root of all intimacy. There is no need to carry ’emotional backchat’ about others to feel a sense of association/intimacy with others.
I forgive myself for believing that I must ‘think’, or ‘backchat’ about others emotionally so that I know for sure that there exist some relationship, connection, association, or even a friendship with them. Within this I forgive myself for erroneously believe that ‘no thinking’, ‘no feeling’ means that I have nothing with them and totally disconnected from everyone, this is not so. I am sure Bernard wasn’t walking around ‘feeling and thinking’ about others yet others experienced the most amazing ‘connection’ with him, so not to worry. This stone like coldness is not indifference, or carelessness, that’s the misconception. Though you’re stone like emotionless, but you stand for what is best for all, considering all as equals, placing yourself in their shoes. Never putting anyone down, or praising anyone as gods, or even wanting/desiring a special ‘connection’ with anyone, I mean that’s a form of inequality, whereas when time is spend physically together, a sense of ‘relationship/association’ grows, so that’s natural, I mean even then, you don’t’ walk around with relationships backchatting inside your head re-confirming your relationships, you’re always here, breathing, standing like a tree unmoved by any backchat, view, opinion about others. So this is something I have to be aware of, am I standing as a tree here, or lost in slight subtle lingering backchats about others.
When and as I see myself chatting away in my mind about others, i.e backchat, I stop I breathe. I realize backchat will create lot more problems than the issues I am facing here/now in the physical, therefore I direct myself to look at what’s here, and find solutions that are best for all, and certainly back-chatting is not one of them.
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