day 655: backaches

lower-back-painOn lower backaches: “not supporting yourself enough – THINKING too much self-limiting emotional thoughts keeping you down / keeping you back in some way or another” – Sunette

I forgive myself for not supporting myself.

I forgive myself for not writing consistently and deconstructing “why”, why is that I am keeping myself back.

I forgive myself for thinking ‘self-limiting’ emotional thoughts.

I forgive myself for thinking stuff that are limiting me.

I forgive myself for putting myself down in my own thoughts, emotions etc.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing I am not giving myself the gift to live a full-filling life. In fact I am limiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself.

I forgive myself for believing that ‘all is lost anyways’, so ‘why bother’ to live a full-filling life.

I forgive myself for accepting a minimalist life, lack in ambitions and ‘go getter’ attitude, only settling for very little, just ‘enough to get by’.

Within this, I forgive myself for fear losing.

I forgive myself for believing that should I acquire things I will end up losing them anyways, so why bother. In this not seeing/realizing that you will lose things anyways, time or death will take things away, but that doesn’t mean one should live life in a self-limiting minimalist way.

I forgive myself for regretting the missed chances for a materially successful life.

I forgive myself for regretting missed chances and reinforce that regret by continue to accept a less-than successful life, a minimalist life.

In this I see/realize I have to support myself, in writing and deconstructing why I live a half-life when full potential life is within my possibilities.

I forgive myself for fearing success.

I forgive myself for fearing the responsibilities that come with success, within that I forgive myself for preferring to live a half-life, less-success hence less-responsibilities, within that giving myself the half-life instead of a full-filling life.

So going back to my lower backache, what Sunette was saying about it, I have to look at my thoughts, emotional thoughts, and really stop these, I mean this is within my capabilities to observe my thoughts and stop them instantly. And the second part is to physical move myself into action, where I can move myself forward instead of backwards, moving forward towards a successful fulfilling life, not this minimalist life I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for believing in the Eastern spiritual nonsense of ‘Sanniyasi’, or ‘wandering monk’, or ‘life of renunciation’.

I forgive myself for believing that I must be ‘meek and poor’ because only then I will enter the heaven. I forgive myself for blaming the rich and within that rejecting a rich life, a fulfilling life for myself.

I forgive myself for believing that I should live like a vagabond, just enough to get by, and nothing more. Within that I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing I am actually living a religious, spiritually inclined mind construct, within the false notion that me being poor will somehow make me a good person. Not seeing/realizing my minimalist, monk-like, less-than, half-successful life is in fact useless to bring what is best for all.

Only successful people can bring real changes to this world, losers will get sidelined by the system, they cannot be a voice within the system. Its common sense, to be heard, you have to be successful within the system. That’s why the tree-hugging hippies and their movement following eastern religions back in the 60s didn’t’ bring any changes to this world, the system just laughed at and ignored them. (though I must mention here that their spiritual gurus were living in mansions and driving around in luxury cars while preaching renunciation of material life for their Western devotees).

So my minimalist lifestyle, attitude etc is coming from that notion that I should be a follower of the Eastern thought of ‘renunciation’. Be a monk-like, be meek and poor, wandering around in search of spiritual wisdom, sort of homeless, renounce everything etc. what a load of crap. If you goto any spiritual organization, the gurus always have the elitist life styles, I mean real affluent and rich, absolutely nothing to do with the renunciation they preach. So what I have learned, acquired and programmed within myself is a false teaching. I don’t’ need to renounce and be a monk-like, in fact, I have to be successful in this life, to make any difference.

Obviously, here by success I don’t’ mean living a profitable life just for myself. Moving myself out of this minimalist, less than life into a successful life, a life where I can say I am successful, and from that direct my success in a way that which is best for all. Obviously many successful people have come and gone, the world is still a hell. So for me, being successful is not the point, coming out this dark religious cage I have put myself in is the first priority, and reaching success is to pull me out of that cage.

Real success is when personal success translate into what is best for all, which is a far away goal at the moment. If you’re bum, the first point of success is to un-bum yourself. After that we can talk about bigger goals. There are many successful people in this world, whose success is in fact a curse to mankind. Not very hard to see that, is it.

Anyways, back to my backache, yes have been thinking too much, way too much, emotionally charged, thoughts keeping myself down and back. So time to really look at these things and stop them, and at the same time take steps to come out of this self-imposed minimalist life. Create a successful life for myself, within that I am able to participate in creating a world that is best for all.

So when and as I see myself ‘thinking’ thoughts along the lines to self-limiting and self-defeating, I stop, I breathe. I bring myself here, into my body, and remain here. I see/realize that these emotionally charged self-limiting thoughts have no value whatsoever other than feeding my ego. 

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