“Don’t’ lecture me”. I have heard that before. A person of authority today ‘gave me a bit of lecture’ in reference to something I had missed to do. Obviously I went into a reaction, backchat and all that, and I failed to understand this person, who appeared to have been very stressed out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and resist when people ‘lecture me’ on how to do something properly. Specially if they ‘lecture me’ with an energetic charge, its like they are dumping their mood onto me.
I forgive myself for taking it personally when others burst out, not seeing/realizing my best support to them is to not take their actions personally. In this I see/realize if I react to their bursting out, I am only compounding an already pressure situation, and not standing as the eye of the storm.
I forgive myself for desiring others to speak to me nicely and gently, none of those ‘lecturing’ tones. Within this I see/realize, I am desiring a positive feeling from others in how they speak/communicate with me. “make me feel good” is what I am asking from them. So when they ‘lecture me’, or slight bursting out, I don’t’ like it and I take it very personally.
So the first point is to not desire a positive feeling in communication with others. I mean there could be hundreds of reasons why they speak/communicate or burst out the way they do, I have no understanding about their situation, so I see/realize me reacting to their reaction is not supportive.
I forgive myself for reacting to others reactions, instead of breathing and remain calm here, as the eye of the storm.
I forgive myself for desiring a positive feeling, in this I see/realize as long as there is a desire, I can’t be the eye of the storm, in fact, I will be the storm. As desire creates a certain energetic tension, a push and pull, which in itself a storm.
So essentially what I desired today was this person of authority to speak to me ‘nicely’, as if they are recognizing me, appreciating me and ‘liking me’ etc, I mean, this is fucked up shit. Obviously desiring them to speak/treat nicely is a problem. So this is my first point of correction, desiring nice treatments. In fact, I can only ask for what I am willing to give, so the question is, have I been nice to them, to this person of authority? Or have I only being nice because of their perceived power, I mean, is my ‘nice treatment’ equal?
Group settings give ample chances to check one’s equal standing. Do I stand here in equal-distance to all? Or do I seek preferential, clique like, little gangs where I form a little group? This is operating from fear. Only the fearful seek little gangs, the fearless stand as ALL-ONE, alone, for all, (here obviously not talking about relationships, friendships, associations, connections etc that have been grown over time), more focused on ‘sucking up’ personality where one seek to secure one’s standing in a group. So that was my desire, to be liked, appreciated by the leader, the person of authority. So when that was not coming forth, as it came like a ‘lecturing me’ instead, I really didn’t like it, in fact, felt depressed afterwards.
So I direct myself to observe my desires within group settings. How I seek and try the persons of authority to like me, appreciate me etc. I mean, wtf. Why can’t I stand as me here, in equal distance to all, equally intimate to all. I mean there is no desire here, just talking/communicating, with all, equal, and getting things done. Obviously with time and more participation, intimacy with some can grow yet equal standing with all will not diminish.
So back to ‘lecturing me’, the reason I didn’t like it because it wasn’t fulfilling my desire to be liked, appreciated. And going into depression, moods, etc afterwards doesn’t help either. Also, when a person is bursting out, I see/realize my best support is to remain calm, be the eye of the storm, in that giving them the chance to unwind and self-reflect. I mean how many times I would have burst out on people (both in personal relationships and with strangers). What is that I would have liked when I burst out? Of course I would have appreciated the other person to understand me and let it go, certainly reacting back is not something I would have appreciated.
Everyone knows what they are doing, I am sure this person of authority today, knew exactly within himself that his ‘lecturing’ coupled with energy charge was not cool, it was a bursting out on his part. Everyone knows what they are doing, you can’t deny that. You know when you suck upto to some and cut off others. This is the journey to life, to become self-aware, to stand as the eye of the storm, be that calm point, be that hub of the wheel, standing equal to all.
I realize that my mind is the storm, awareness is the eye of that storm. So as situations are boiling nowadays, I see/realize and understand that I must be the eye not the storm, a solution, a cure, not a problem, not a disease.
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