Day 681: Morning Zombie (3)


So continuing with my 21-day process to write about how I wake up.

zombie-demons

I felt some confusion, disoriented, aimless, almost like lost as I got up, had a bit of physical pain on my left shoulders, that may be due to my gym workout yesterday, even that might contribute to makeup the zombie that I became this morning.

Very interesting, though the many feelings so far I mentioned in this series are there everyday, but only one theme of feelings is dominant on a given morning. It’s a zoo of morning zombies. No wonder 21-days of investigating the morning moods is recommended (by none other than the ex-god Anu himself, see eqafe.com link below)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with a sense of being lost, aimless and disoriented.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with a sense of ‘now what’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a sight pain in my chest area, that sounds like ‘oh I am lost, where am I, can somebody tell me where to go’, like a child who woke up in the middle of the night without anyone to attend. As a child I often shared the room with my maternal grandmother, all thru the night there was this presence of protection, I can’t physically reach her but her presence is enough and all around. Within this I forgive myself for believing that I need the presence of another so that I wont’ be lost, confused or disoriented as I wake up. Within this I forgive myself for generally accepting the idea there is some ‘lost-ness’, confusion, aimless, disorientation in my life now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea that I am ‘lost’, not seeing/realizing this is only an idea, compounded with emotions, which I have accepted as the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my guarding angel, who was around me all thru the night, and within this I forgive myself for constructing a dependency outside of me, instead of being my own source of dependence.

I am my own guarding angel. I am my own presence, I sleep with my own protection. I am always here, I can depend on me forevermore, I cannot ever leave me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be this lost, confused, aimless, and disoriented morning zombie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the vulnerability this particular zombie is exposing about me.

I forgive myself for feeling a bit of shame to write this, fear of being judged by others. Here I must quote “you only fear what others judge about you, are the very things that you judge yourself”. Meaning, I forgive myself for judging myself as a loser for exposing and admitting my lost, disoriented, confused zombie. Essentially I want to project a happy, confident, secure zombie, but unable to do so, the reality is something else.

I forgive myself for judging myself, and then blame others for judging me for the same things that I judge myself for. Hmm, interesting, bit of laughter too, how insane is this theory. I judge myself for A, B and C, and then I blame you for judging me for A, B and C. wow.

So I commit myself to look within anytime that I believe another is judging me. I direct myself to ask ‘where and how I judge myself like this’.

When and as I see myself waking up with a sense of being lost, confused, or disoriented, I stop I breathe, and I direct myself to give some direction, plans in my life.

I remember yesterday evening I was having this thought, “write down a plan, an hourly plan, how you will spend the day hour by hour, what are the things you will do each hour, from the moment you wake up till sleep”, essentially, this detail plan is something emerged within me, as if the body is saying “Hey, dude write out an hourly plan, and get things done hour by hour”. Given that I am unemployed right now, there is a strong tendency to wonder off hours without any specific purpose or direction, so it makes sense this urge to plan hourly came within me which I didn’t bother to implement. So viola, this morning zombie reminded me what my first action should be today: write an hourly plan for the day. This is even more crucial now, as staring today, I am officially living off ‘Employment Insurance’ benefits, which requires proves of my job search, interviews, etc on bi-weekly basis. no prove, no benefits (strange how insurance work, but I can see their point of view, also its a motivation to go out there and hunt for a job vigorously). 

I commit myself to plan the day hour by hour, what will I generally do each hour, I mean 24-hours a day, I sleep for 7 hours a day, I must be able to tell how I spent the remaining 17 hours, wow, what did I do for 17 hours? I commit myself to plan this out. (at my life-review I don’t want to say, oh I just wondered off my days on earth, just aimlessly, in confusion, like disoriented, and when I was employed I worked, otherwise hours just went by wondering, bits of here and there, but nothing specific, essentially my life I spent wondering, wow, what a waste). 

Every zombie is only a part of me, that I have forevermore banished from my sight, but not anymore, they are here for real. Its facetime, time to face myself and correct myself.

Investigate practical solutions before it’s too late:

Desteni.org – Participate in Forums or Search Desteni Material.
Living Income Guaranteed – An Economic Solution.
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with Self Support.
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey.
Eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews to Self Perfection.
Equal Life Foundation – Facebook Stream for Unfolding Events.
Creations Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs
The master of war – “Be a Cure, not a Disease”.
You’re me in another Life – by Bernard Poolman
#livingincomeguaranteed

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