There is an issue in my process of rebirthing myself as life. The words I write as part of my self-writing to freedom is just that words, there are not lived fully. I catch myself often when i notice that i am not really living or doing what is best for all. Most of the time its all about me, my emotions, thoughts, and feelings.
For sure, when it comes to personal relationships, doing is what is best for all, is hardly the mode of operation for me. I allow thoughts, feelings and emotions of the past to take over me. So this is a concern I am faced with, a real challenge for me. a point of ‘fall’.
Not only I don’t do what is best for all, I also at times can get very nasty and mean. In such moments, I wonder about my self-writing words, I wonder how self-dishonest I am in writing of fancy statements but never living them for real.
So what am I to do? give up? No I cannot give up, I stand up again and again, realizing this is the way for me, I stand to correct myself, I mean if I stay fallen, that’s it all over me. So I have to get up, I have to stand up, I have to correct and make a determined decision to live out the words I write. let my words be living words not just stray noise written to impress self and others and no reality to them. My words are very much like the holy books no practical tangible reality in the physical at all.
So what shall I do about it? First and foremost, as Benazir Bhutto said though her portal writings, I must entirely give up fear of loss, fear of been alone. I fear absolute alone-ness as a dead person would be, hence I carry an intense fear of loss, along with it I fear standing alone just me, utterly absolutely just me, like I would be when I am dead and buried.
Because of all my fears, specially fear of loss and fear of been alone, I struggle with the beings in my life, I possess them, I attack them, I become mean to them, I hurt them, all that shit I do, I do so because of fear of losing them. “I hate you because I have given you the power to hurt me, because I allowed myself fear losing you, and for giving that power to you, the power to hurt me, I now am hating you.” Wow, what a bullshit.
For an extreme back-chat/mind-chatter case like myself, there is only one solution, live like a dead man, an absolutely dead man, except that I am breathing, and doing what is best for all. Just a like a tree, or a bird, a cat etc. No story whatsoever, and then it’s rather easy to do what is best for all when you live like a dead man.
Only the living got problems, you see. The dead doesn’t have any such problems. So be a dead man but breathing. That is the new way to happiness, at least for a noisy mind like myself.
In that, I would actually equalize my written words and lived actions, hence turning my writing words into living words. For now, it is not the case, written words are just that, words, just noise.
Join us in this great journey to become a self-honest human being, it is the hardest thing you can do to yourself. To be honest to yourself.
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Inspired by desteni - a Yogi's Journey to Life 